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Wing IX
Report #19
1.21.2001 - GN Ricaud
WING IX REPORT #19
From the Desk of General Ricaud ... (yay, I got it right this time! :P)
FLEET NEWS
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1. SMOOTH
Everyone do be sure to take some time out in your busy schedule to thoroughly thank BGCOM/VA Jarak Maldon for sending out a virus
with his latest Battlegroup Report. :P Actually, the poor bloke didn't have a clue that his computer was infected (probably) when
the worm was attached to the e-mail which was sent out to the entire Battlegroup. Fortunately it was picked up early (in fact, I
think our very own Major Malaktos was one of the first people to detect the problem and report it to Vice Admiral Maldon), and the
appropriate warnings sent out. The only damage it seems to have done to my computer is to have deleted my signatures, which is only
slightly miffling.
2. PULP PHANTOM
Hardly TIE Corps-relevant, but it's still funny. Check out http://www.pulpphantom.com to see the infamous Pulp Fiction parody in
the style of Star Wars. The latest episode is out, and it's the one where Marcelus gets run down. That should be enough for those
of you who know the film itself to also know that means that in the next episode or two, Darth Vader is going to have to get
buggered up the arse. Which should be a lot of fun.
3. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
IWATS Core passes 2000 graduates. So where are the new assignments? 'Cause we certainly don't see any here. :P
4. BATTLECRY
Issue #11 is out ... which means, it's nearly been going for a full year now. And that's about the limit of my mathematical
expertise. This issue contains all the usual stuff you'd expect in Battlecry, but don't let that put you off, because it has quite
a few submissions from Wing IX, and a highly enjoyable fictionalised history of the Emperor's Hammer (which also mirrors actual
events where possible) by our own Battlegroup Commander, which is invaluable for any fiction writers out there who want to be able
to flesh out their own stories with depth of knowledge. Get it at http://battlecry.emperorshammer.ca.
5. TOKEN SOVEREIGN NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
FA Kramer awards Sigma Squadron COM's Own and Sov Flag Officers Escort Squadron. The news item here is that Kramer is actually
alive.
WING NEWS
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1. SWORD VS THUNDER
It's a victory a week here in Wing IX. :P Last week it was Dagger Squadron, now it's Sword Squadron's turn for the spotlight, with
their victory over Thunder Squadron of Wing X (just had to note that last bit :P) by a clear 8,000 points ... despite a Thunder
pilot submitting a last-minute pilot file which beat the current high score for the mission, FREE-TIE #121. For me it was also a
very nostalgic victory, because nearly three years ago, Thunder beat Sword in the final of the Challenge Cup Tournament .. and at
the time I achieved the highest score for Thunder. This time around, Sword beat Thunder ... and I also managed to narrowly scrag
highest score for Sword (after Ted graciously let me fly on his wing). Who says karma doesn't exist? :P
2. WING COMMANDER'S DISOWNED III
The monthly Wing Commander's Disowned competition is on, in which the five squadrons of Wing IX battle it out to see which the WC is
most ashamed of, so he can subsequently publicly disown them, and any knowledge or involvement with them. The winner will be judged
on a number of factors, including lack of humour, lack of any piloting skill, lack of intelligence, and whether or not Tom is in the
squadron. Oh, and also flying FREE-TIE #141. Get it in to your Squadron Commanders by Tuesday evening at the latest, so they can
send the reports to me for Wednesday (6.00pm GMT/1.00pm EST absolute final deadlines).
3. BGAPL
The individual section of the Battlegroups Ace Pilot League has now been suspended while the units fight it out for the title of
Battlegroups Ace Squadron. The first stage of this will be for each wing to find the squadron which will represent it against the
rest of the BG, and for the purposes of this FREE-TIE #92 will be used. Unfortunately, it's fallen on the same deadline (roughly)
as Wing Commander's Own III. Let's all try our best any way ... fly the mission, and send it to your Squadron Commanders, who'll
then send reports in to me with TFRs on Wednesday, just like WC's Own. I'll then forward results for the entire wing to BGCOM/VA
Jarak, and hopefully we'll find out soon enough who gets to represent us in the next round against Wing VIII.
4. HONOUR GUARD
The last week has seen the Wing IX Multiplayer Honour Guard gearing up into activity, in readiness for the upcoming competition
against Avenger Wing I (the required ladder system for which is still being programmed). The MPHG rank system was implemented, and
a furious round of matches and Trials of Rank ensued as pilots vied to gain position. Congratulations to those who have proved
themselves worthy of competition eligibility: Commander Tom, Major Malaktos, and Major Zadash, who gained Flight Instructor and
Pilot Officer respectively. As for the rest of you, keep trying, a few are almost there. :-) If you want to go for flight
qualification in the MPHG, challenge either Tom or myself to a Trial of Rank for XvT or XWA ... or if you just want to join the
MPHG, drop me an e-mail at val.ricaud@btinternet.com
5. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, this week's serving suggestion ...
"Water (The Original)"
Water
Mixing instructions:
There are so many ways to get hold of it. You can draw it, pour it, dig for it or simply dig it, you can get it from a well, a tap,
a source, a fountain, a stream, you can drink it straight up, out of your hand, from a glass, a bottle, a jar and a container. Soft
water may have the disadvantage of containing only minute quantities of magnesium, whereas hard water might be bad for your
favourite sweat-shirt... But all in all, NO WATER - NO LIFE. So get a life, care for your water.
THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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1. INTRODUCTION
"This is the Wing IX Morale Office. I am General Steve the Cricket Bat. You are the weakest link, good bye ..."
THE HISTORY OF WING IX
Compiled by General Steve the Cricket Bat
PART 4: HEART OF DARKNESS
It was supposed to be a simple mission. There had been some crazy rumours circulating that scavengers had been stealing technology
from the Death Star II which was still in orbit around Endor, or had fallen to the planet itself, and Wing IX had been asked to
investigate. A standard patrol detail was dispatched to the system from Aurora Prime. What they hadn't counted on was there being
a sizeable Rebel attack force lying there waiting. While most of the patrol managed to get away clean after bagging several dozen
Republic fighters, Commander Dan Malaktos' ship was critically hit, and he was forced to crash-land on the Forest Moon.
Alone, he held out for longer than was humanly possible. Five minutes later he was captured by a group of wandering hippies who had
travelled to Endor for "the really great trees". Despite his sore ankle, Dan still managed to take a few of them down with a
hold-out blaster before they got him. "I gave them nothing," he recalls. "Just the Big Four of number, rank, name and date of
birth which was all the tree-huggers were allowed to ask for under the Corellian Convention. Then the hippies brought their guitars
out and I moved on to my cover story. I was working as a researcher for a book called An A-Z of Trees. It was a weak story. I
knew nothing about books, but it might buy me precious time. To give it credibility I pointed out of the tent at an oak and said,
"Nice tree". One of the tree-huggers grunted and I took advantage of this show of friendship to ask for a cup of tea. "Make it
yourself," he said."
Alone in his tree hut Dan thought about the others. Had they left him for good, down on the god-forsaken Ewok planet? Or was the
ISD Relentless, even now, deep in the planning stages of a rescue operation to get him back and into safety. Was Ricaud's boloball
injury playing up? But mainly he thought about escape. Of course, there was no possibility of escape with one, often two,
tree-huggers smoking spliffs twenty yards below him. "It's not like the movies, you know."
The next morning Dan awoke in shit -- Tom's shit. Having been deprived of human contact for so long he almost welcomed it.
Commander Tom had an amazing story to tell. After having crash-landed on the planet himself (he had fallen asleep in his cockpit
during the battle), he had taken out a dozen tree-huggers, many more Ewoks, and was carefully dismantling a tree hut when he spotted
a stray long-hair running for cover. Instinctively he had launched one of his trademark flying head-butts, only for his timing to
go awry and have his forehead miss the fuzzy and hit a boulder. Taking advantage of his considerable headache, the tree-huggers had
rounded him up. Now two of Wing IX's finest and most important officers were being held captive.
But as Wing IXers, they were tough. You have to be tough in Wing IX. Really tough, because minutes later one of the long-hairs
took advantage of Tom's sleeping to invite Dan down to listen to him play guitar. He blocked his ears without using his hands (just
one of the special skulls you learn in training). Then he offered him one of those funny rolled-up cigarettes that smell of danger.
Dan pretended to smoke it, of course, purely to try and sneak a look at his watch. He wasn't wearing a watch so this ploy failed,
but the important thing is he didn't inhale.
After the smoke was finished the hippy wanted to talk politics. "I explained that I was just a book researcher who had been sent
out to do a researcher's job. I had no interest in the war. I was just doing the Palpatine and ronin's dirty work while they sat
at home watching TV and drinking gin and tonic. Personally, I had no beef with the long hairs. It's a free planet, man. He told
me to chill and rolled another spliff.
"I really thought I was about to get through when suddenly I came over all paranoid. Thise happens when you've been captive for a
long time. One minute we were talking trees and the next I was convinced that the long hair fancied Tom. Tom preferred the long
hair and neither of them cared for me. Then the trees started to take the piss out of me."
Dan was woken by Tom, sweating like a rapist but otherwise in pretty good order. A shuttle had arrived from the ISD Relentless. The
hippies were stoned. They left quietly, and returned to the ship, vowing never to speak again about the incident.
POSTINGS & PROMOTIONS
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FL/CPT Pete Mitchell from Spear Squadron 3-2 to Reserves W.E.F. 16.01.00
FM/LT Fireball from Dagger Squadron 3-2 to Reserves W.E.F. 16.01.00
CPT Dan Malaktos to Major W.E.F. 16.01.00
AWARDS
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CMDR/MAJ Dan Malaktos - Letter of Achievement - from CA:XO/VA Slade Holm for submission to Dark Sentinel
FM/LT Argyle Ironfist - Imperial Security Medal - from CMDR/CM Brad Tack for help with mottos and nicknames, and activity
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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* `Tom admires Ric's Penis
In the Service of the Empire,
General Val Ricaud
WC/GN Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
IC/GSx2/SS/BSx5/PCx5/ISMx8/MoT-1gh/LoC-PSx69/DFCx2/MoC/LoA/CoL/OV-3E [CAVL] {IWATS-M/1-SM/1}
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