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Dagger Squadron
Report
1.14.2001 - CPT Dan Malaktos
Welcome to another episode of the DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGER REPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!
With your host, Captain Dan Seth "Instigator" Malaktos!
::Sappy music::
::The lights fade on, and Dan sits at a large desk which replaces the Dagger Report set::
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, it's quite a time when I can address you as 'ladies and gentlemen.' No longer must I say 'bumbling buffoons,' 'narotic neanderthals,' 'crazed marsupials,' '...Sov look-alikes,' 'idiots,' 'homicidal jackrabbits,' 'gentlemen,' or, the latest and most understanding one: 'lady and gentlemen.' The Relentless has come a long way in women's rights. The first and only women's rights activist of the Relentless was supposed to join us tonight, Tony the partially derranged squid-boy, but he ate himself.
::Dan shifts his position, seeming to look at another camera. Bob runs up and whispers in his ear, and he looks back at the camera. Dan shuffles through his script::
Ok, up next on the agenda we have a momentous and heart wrenching story. Better get the vomit bags, here, folks. This one's threatening to steal your lunch. Rear Admiral Talin Andronicus has the scoop.
::Screen fades to a beach, with Rear Admiral Talin Andronicus' hair being blown back by wind, with a microphone in his hands::
It's a gut wrenching thing to hear that a loved one or friend is in the hospital. Especially when the doctor manages to break the disturbing news to you. Why is little Jimmy in the hospital? Because he allowed a dolphin to have is way with him. Yes, him. Jimmy may have external injuries, or his neck may have snapped. While this may seem like the kind of thing only ANAL RAPE MAN and his ANAL RAPE TEAM would perform... Dolphins are the prime suspect. This story: The Porpose... Without a Purpose... To Rape. According to my very reliable resources, the handy dandy people at http://www.dolphinsex.org(Note from your Commander: This site is a real site, I don't know if the info is real, but a fellow EHer pointed it out to me for LAUGHS. And that alone. If you have a fragile stomach, do NOT read it. It's hilarious though :) ), our cousins have huge anatomy, if you know what I mean. So, I'm going to read a guide to you.
Q) How do I know if a dolphin wants to have sex?
A) There are various ways a dolphin has of showing that she or he is interested in sex.
Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection--
::Dan breaks the comm feed::
Dan> Andy, what the hell are you doing?!
Andron> I'm educating any would-be-victims! ::cough:: Dan?
Dan> That's absurd!
Andron> Is it that? Or is it that you can't admit you have a problem?
Dan> It has boosted the ratings...
Andron> Now, what was his name?
Dan> She! It told me it was a she! Ginger!
Andron> Did it have a long, narrow shaft, about 14 inches long?
Dan> IT WAS A GARDEN HOSE! A GARDEN HOSE I TELL YOU!
::Ricaud breaks the comm feed::
Ricaud> A hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza a hole! Then mend it dear Henry--
Dan> What now?
Ricaud> Oh yeah, this is getting a little shady, even for me. Andy, you're fired.
Andron> I outrank YOU!
Ricaud> Oh yeah... Andy, fire yourself.
Andron> Self, you're fired!
Dan> Woohoo! ANARCHY! DAN FOR COM! DAN FOR COM!
Ricaud> Shut up!
::Camera goes back to the studio::
Dan> A story... need a story... story... Oh yeah! Ric got General, folks!
::A little box in the corner of the screen turns into a portrait of Ricaud::
Yes, Ricaud, the grimy, drunk, egotistical, anti-social, hermit was promoted to General. As an infant, Val was very special.
::The little box changes to footage of a vornskr tearing apart a small child::
Dan> What the hell?! Is that a vornskr? Where's Ric?
Bill> Umm, this was the tamest we could get.
Dan> I see a resemblence, but that vornskr's too gosh-darned cute! Hey, I'm failing to see a difference now...
Bill> The vornskr's staying away from the kid's crotch.
Dan> Ahh. Not very realistic, is it?
Bill> Yeah, notice the way it doesn't really rip the kid's limbs off? Studies from dolphinsex.org say nothing about Ricaud being merciful.
Dan> YOU TOO?! GET OFF MY SET!
::Bill runs off the set, but not before shouting out: "DOLPHINSEX.ORG!"::
Dan> Ugh. Let's see... at the tender age of five, Ricaud killed his first squirrel. That squirrel can be found at the headquarters for IWSAKASATTAOFIDMTDIISWWWDDSDO, which is short for "I Was Stupid And Killed A Squirrel At The Tender Age Of Five, I Didn't Mean To Do It, I Swear... www.Dolphinsex.org." ...What the hell is this crap?! Forget it, I'll just read the EH News from the Wing Report, twist it, make it sound like I wrote it, and be proud... WAIT! WHERE'S THE WING REPORT?! NOOOOOO!!
EH NEWS:
1. Kawolski was promoted to HA/XO(He got demoted, nah-nah-nah-poo-poo)
2. ORW switches servers! Try: Espoo.fi.eu.innernet.org
3. Battlecry 11 is out! http://battlecry.emperorshammer.ca
4. The EH Domain has been updated, as is the custom annually.
5. FMC celebrates its anniversary.
6. Soon I won't have to always award ISMs! Iron Stars! That'll make the ISM that much more covetted! WOOOOOOH! :)
WHO CARES?
Ramos is now a Rear Admiral. Command Attaché to the Logistics Officer. Crap.
WING NEWS:
1. Ricaud was promoted to GN :)
2. MPHG to fight SSD Avenger Wing I
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
This is a mix of things.
"It'd be funny if Tack's quit was * CM_Tack is ANAL_RAPE MAN!!" -- Rear Admiral Talin Andronicus discussing the deep workings of his mind.
Ricaud> I could beat Ramos at multiplayer with my hands cut off, my eyes gouged out and a hot poker rod being prodded up my ass while my testicles are sheared off with a pair of blunt scissors.
GN_Ricaud> Gah, I'm bored, I've just doodled a crappy ASCII penis, inspired by Quake's artistic efforts. :P
Malaktos> WTF?! RIC! You got problems!
Malaktos> it's so... long
GN_Ricaud> Why thankyou Dan. :P
* GN_Ricaud smiles contentedly as the channel admires his penis.
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GN_Ricaud> \\\\\\ | |///////
GN_Ricaud> \\\\\\|____|//////
SQUADRON NEWS:
Alun sent in a resignation letter :( He's a great pilot! Come back to us :)
We whipped Hey! I awarded the two ISMs to Leonid DeBastide, who earned them :)
We demonstrated great unity and participation! Great job!
SQUADRON STATUS:
Dagger~Hammer Runon! http://www.tiecorps.org/mb/view.asp?b=32&v=1&s=0
New Orders:
Everyone, I want you to take the GFX and TIE Mission creation courses at www.imperialacademy.org. Remember to get TFW and a Graphics utility.
From the Office of the XO
The comp has ended and we are at 100% (according to Dan). Like I have said, this is the key to success (in my view) for a win against Hey. I am confident that Dagger will come out on top. There isn't much more to say as the comp has been the number one focus as of this week so, until next time, "Speak softly and carry a blaster, you will go far."
FL/LCM Manticore/Dagger 2-1/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
ISMx3 [HUSS] {IWATS-M/1}
[A/GUN Honorless]
Dagger Squadron Executive Officer
PERSONAL ACHIEVMENTS:
CMDR/CPT Dan Malaktos
1/13/01 - Won XWA match in ORW
1/13/01 - Won XWA match in ORW
1/13/01 - Won XWA match in ORW
1/14/01 - Won XWA match in Zone Sunday
1/14/01 - Awarded LoC
1/14/01 - Posted on Runon
FM/LT Aragorn
1/14/01 - Completed FREE TIE 119
1/14/01 - Posted on Runon
FM/LCM Leonid DeBastide
1/12/01 - Completed CBX
1/14/01 - Completed FREE TIE 119
1/14/01 - Awarded ISM
1/14/01 - Awarded ISM
FL/LCM Manticore
1/14/00 - Completed FREE TIE 119
FM/LCM Talon Ray Hunter
1/12/00 - Completed TC-TIE 99
1/12/00 - Completed TC-TIE 164
1/14/00 - Completed FREE TIE 119
FM/COL Ritsuko Akagi
1/14/01 - Completed FREE TIE 119
FL/LCM Rejili Holthaus
1/12/01 - Completed TC-TIE 29
1/12/01 - Completed TC-TIE 24
1/14/01 - Completed FREE TIE 119
FM/LT Fireball
On leave
Thank you very much. I'm here all the week.
Captain D. S. "Instigator" Malaktos
@======{---}=======[---]============>->->->
CMDR-SR-CVROY/CPT Dan Malaktos/Dagger/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
BS/PCx2/ISMx6/MoI/MoT-4gh/LoC/CoS/OV-3E
[CAVL] {IWATS-Core IIC/1/2 mIRC/1/2 RT SM/2 TM GFX}
[T/D Hand of the Apocalypse]
[E/S Orion's Belt]
--==(*)Chief Viceroy(*)==--
{PIN 4197}
"Join the Relentless! It makes your hometown better!"
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