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Tornado Squadron
Report #24
1.26.2001 - COL Kessler
Fleet News
Like we give a rat's ass? On with the good stuff!
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Grudge Match
This week:
The Diakatana Sword
vs
The SHOGO Squeak Toy
With your hosts - Kessler and Kawolski
Kessler: Admiral Kawolski, welcome back for another Grudge Match showdown. And may I say it's good to have you back!
Kawolski: How the heck do I keep getting roped into this?
Kessler: Just play along and I won't mention that "incident" when you were COM of the Relentless.
Kawolski: You're going to die screaming for this if I ever get my hands on the negatives. Anyway, let's get on with it.
Kessler: This week's Grudge is an absolute blowout. A total walkover.
Kawolski: I agree. The Daikatana sword has multiple attacks, and its own experience level, so as your sword gets more skilled it will 'learn' new attacks until it becomes a force of nature in your hands.
Kessler: Sword? Who's talking about the sword? That doll is unstoppable. For those who don't know, Shogo is the first and only First Person Shooter to ever have a squeak toy as a weapon. It was a little doll that looked like Captain Klaw and when you squeezed it it said, "MagicKlaw! MagicKlaw!"
Kawolski: The Daikatana sword can travel through time. It is a herald of the apocalpyse, yet mankind's only hope across four epochs. To master the sword is to be the master of life. To hold it in your hands is to hold fate.
Kessler: MagicKlaw! MagicKlaw!
Kawolski: You are a freak.
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How To Write A Star Wars Novel
In a very depressing Message Board Thread recently, I was appalled to see that so many people like Timothy Zahn's Star Wars books. So, since they're so popular, I've decided to ditch my own writing style, and start writing like Timothy Zahn, Micheal Stackpole, Kevin J. Anderson and all the other losers who can't write a novel of their own without a megabuck licensing deal to sell them for them. Here's how you do it:
1. One of our heros must lose his or her mind in one way or another. A rational reason is optional. (Manic-Depressive Luke in Crystal Star, Han an obsessive maniac in Courtship, Leia suddenly developing a multiple personality disorder in Crystal Star)
2. Dozens of new stereotypical and bland characters that no one cares about must be introduced, and 95% of the book must be written from their viewpoint. This way the reader can complete the book in less than a hour because they will skip all of the boring commentary.
3. A new villian must be introduced. There must be an outlandish and totally unbelievable reason this villian was hidden throughout the movies. If all else fails, just say he was hidden because he was such a brilliant military genius that Palpatine didn't want to use him in any actual battles. Trust me, this one works.
4. The heros who toppled the Galactic Empire must be absolutely incompetent in fighting off this villian, and must be saved by one or more of the bland stereotypes described in #2. (It seems to me that a frontal lobotomy was necessary for all who are part of the New Republic)
5. Something makes the Force go away.
6. Luke must be an absolute weenie who is completely incapable of a rational decision, even if he is a Jedi master.
7. The heroes must not, repeat NOT say or do anything that is in character, except in case number eight.
8. If you do choose to have the heroes say something in character, it must be a direct quote from the movies. (An added bonus is to have a character misquote himself.)
9. Luke must have multiple flashbacks of Yoda, who must be misquoted.
10. There must be multiple permanent characters introduced who dissappear for no reason at the end of the novel.
11. A new moneymaking scheme must be created for Lando, who will mysteriously lose it before the next novel.
12. Luke gets a woman, who also disappears at the end for no reason.
13. The villian must have some relationship with Grand Moff Tarkin, The Emperor, Darth Vader or preferably - all three.
14. The book must end in a climactic, predictable, completely corny showdown which suspiciously ties up all the loose ends neatly.
15. The unchanging physical characteristics of characters in the novel must change. (Apparently, Luke grew about a foot before the Corellian Trilogy, and Mara Jade's hair has a tendancy to change colour.) However....
16. ...there must be no signs of aging for any of our heroes. (By the Corellian trilogy, Han should be at least 45, maybe older, yet he has no signs of grey. Funny, Harrison Ford does.)
17. Luke must do an Obi-Wan or Yoda impression every five minutes so he can sound suitably deep and mysterious.
18. The Millennium Falcon must be wrecked, or at the very least the radar dish must be knocked off.
19. Although there was only one privately owned ship throughout the movies, each and every character must, for no explainable reason, have their own personal ship.(Where exactly did the Lady Luck come from? Why would a high ranking government official like Leia own a small, mostly defenseless ship? She travelled on a Corvette in A New Hope and she was only a junior Senator!!!)
20. Now you've learned the basics, write a few original novels which will completely fail to sell because you're crap, apply to Lucasfilm for the license, and watch Johnny Fanboy buy every piece of boring garbage you write. Just remember to send me a cut of your profits.
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Dark Lord of the Week
The highly prestigious title of Dark Lord of the Week is only given to the person who has most advanced the success of the Squadron, amused the CMDR, or slipped me the most £5 notes in a brown paper bag. This week's winner is:
WC/COL Darklord
For slipping away for a weekend of hot and dirty sex with his little Egyptian princess ;)
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Ewok of the Week
Yub Yub!
Every story has a hero, every journey has a first step, every Fleet has a pilot who thinks The Gettysburg Address was where President Lincoln lived . This weeks' Prize Ewok is none other than:
FO-TCCOM/AD Theodore
Because a week and half after I requested it AND reminded him, Jerry's still an FM and Spaceboy's STILL in the Reserves!
Oi! Flight Officer! Sort it out!!
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CMDR's Corner
You know what occurred to me today while I was sitting on the khazi having a good long crap? (More information than you needed, I know, but I'm trying to set the scene here) How come, if the Force is only used for knowledge and defence, do the Jedi ALWAYS seem to strike first? Imagine how it might have happened when Kenobi and Qui Gonn met Darth Maul for the first time:
Qui-Gonn: You strike first.
Kenobi: No, you strike first.
Qui-Gonn: I'm not gonna strike first, YOU strike first.
Maul: Excuse me...
Kenobi: I'M not gonna strike first, you strike first.
Qui-Gonn: Listen, you pony-tail wearing Scottish freak with a bad English accent.... I'M the Jedi Master around here, YOU strike first!
Maul: Look, can we hurry this up a bit? I've got a galaxy to terrorise and I'm late for lunch.
Kenobi: Shut it, Sith-boy! Who asked you?
Maul: Sheesh. That time of the month for you is it?
Kenobi: I'm warning you!
Maul: Go on then, do your worst, you tree-hugging Jedi pansy.
Kenobi: No, I'm not falling for that old gag. HE's striking first.
Qui-Gonn: I can't believe you're going to let him get away with calling you a pansy. Go on.. hit him!
Kenobi: Don't YOU start too!
Maul: Look I can settle this....
*snap-hiss* *ZAP* *thud*
Maul: There. I struck first. Happy now?
Kenobi: He killed Qui-Gonn! YOU BASTARD!
etc, etc...
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Beards. A Good thing.
I don't know about you lot, but I've noticed something about the Star Wars Trilogy that scares me. A New Hope - cool movie. Directed by George Lucas, a man with a beard. Empire Strikes Back - cool movie. Directed by Irwin Kershner, a man with a beard. Return of the Jedi - sucked big fat hairy arse. Directed by Richard Marquand - a man WITHOUT a beard!!!
Do you see the connection?? From this moment forth, all members of Tornado will be forced to grow beards so they can be cool and handsome, just like me. In Miki's case we'll let him get away with a strap-on. His mother won't let him touch anything sharp.
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The Usual Suspects
Flight One - The Missile Magnets
Fighter Pilots Make Movies - Bomber Pilots Make History
1-1 CMDR-AMB/COL Kyle "Old Man" Kessler
Awarded Commendation of Loyalty
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
Working with Science Office on Fleet Manual Project
Found a local LAN Arena and spent a fortune playing CounsterStrike :)
1-2 FM/CPT "Mister Empire" Kou-Taiki
Awarded Commendation of Loyalty
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
1-3 TBA
1-4 FL/LCM Kaedryl "Beer Monster" Di'Mathe
Was forced to choose between flying in the BG Ace contest or losing his woman.... He chose his woman.
(Some people have NO sense of perspective :P)
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Flight II - The Brylcreem Boys
Kissing Ass and Taking Names
1-1 FL/LCM Jerry
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
2-2 FM/CPT "Daddy" Shakur
Flew Free-TIE 92
Flew TC-TIE 20
Flew TC-TIE 22
Flew TC-TIE 24
Flew TC-TIE 25
Flew TC-TIE 28
Flew TC-TIE 29
Flew TC-TIE 30
Flew TC-TIE 33
Flew TC-TIE 34
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
2-3 FM/CPT "Old Man River" Fishbone
Flew Free-TIE 92
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
2-4 FM/COL Shups
Joined Tornado
Flew Free-TIE 92
Reflew Free-TIE 92 when we all laughed at his score
Reflew it AGAIN when we still laughed ;)
Wrote some fiction
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Flight III - The High Priests of Love
We're the Love Commandos and this is a Raid!
3-1 FL/CM Callum "The Shadow" Veers
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
3-2 FM/MAJ Aven "Hermann the German" Kronn
Designed and submitted his uniform template to the TC Database
Flew Free-XWA 4
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
3-3 TBA
3-4 FM/LCM Kaoru "Junior" Miki
Flew in BG Ace Squadron Contest
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Peace, Love, Shave the Wookie.
CMDR-AMB/COL Kyle Kessler/Tornado Squadron/Wing X/ISD Challenge
MoH/IC/OoR/GOE/GSx2/SSx4/BSx9/PCx4/ISMx10/MoI-DC/IS-3PR/LoC-PSx34/CoB/LoAx3/
OV-3E [PLDN]
[IWATS][IIC/3][M/2][SM/1][TT][XTT][CBX]][XA-A][GFX]
Battlegroups Squadron of the year 2001 http://www.xtc56.dial.pipex.com/deathwind.htm
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