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Wing
IX Guide to TIE Corps Life
WC/GN Ricaud/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
(val.ricaud@btinternet.com)
(Warning:
contains some lewd language, mature themes, and a whole bunch of
other stuff likely to offend just about anybody)
Life is hard in the TIE
Corps. Because it's so bloody boring. Each day you can expect to
spend twenty hours sitting (or sleeping) around in the lounge and
the mess hall, waiting for something to happen. Then you get the
call to briefing. Then you spend three hours in briefing and getting
kitted up. Then one hour in combat scragging Rebels. Here in Wing
IX aboard the ISD Relentless, we've found other ways to while away
the time between missions (such as practical jokes, or being spurned
by women) and our finest officers have gotten together to write
a series of guides on each of these topics, plus subjects which
are part of every day TC life and duties (finances, leadership,
and so on). Read on, and enjoy.
Wing IX - We Don't Like
You and We Don't Want You
CAPTAIN TED'S GUIDE
TO PRACTICAL JOKES
At heart we are all schoolboys, aren't we? And like any self-respecting
schoolboy we need to let off steam occasionally. What better way
to achieve this than cracking a practical joke? Good for morale
and good for a laugh. Of course, being in Wing IX, when we do a
practical joke we do it properly. In Wing IX jokes are no laughing
matter. We take them seriously. As an indication of the way we go
about having a laugh, I have compiled a list of the best three jokes
played during my time in Sword Squadron:
1) You can lose your sense
of humour after some missions, and I have to admit, I almost lost
mine after a return from a combat sortie against a Rebel passenger
liner. We'd just shot up a bunch of essentially innocent civilians
on a cruise holiday, and I was drowning my sorrows in the Stardrifter
Lounge, when Stallion said to me, "Hey, Ted, have I ever told
you that I think you're a great bloke?" "No," I replied
truthfully. "You couldn't just run over behind the bar and
get me a can of Special Brew could you?" It seemed the least
I could do. How was I to know they'd rigged the bar up with C4 and
High Explosive and that when I reached the bar both me and it were
blown down into the engineering deck? Fair one.
2) Let's face it, I was well
bladdered. My CO was gobbing off at me, my promotion to joke-lieutenant
looked as it if might never come through and I had an uspet stomach.
So I was really giving it some gin-and-tonic in the Stardrifter
Lounge. Well gone. When Ricaud says to me, "Hey, Ted, I reckon
that boiler at the bar really fancies you." Now, even in my
reduced state I could tell she wasn't much of a looker, but sometimes
a man's got to be a man. I put on the old charm and before you knew
it "Night Boat to Carrida" was on the juke box and my
hands were all over her big, fat, sexy arse and I was murmuring
sweet nothings in her ear. Bit of a shock, then, when
her wig fell off and I saw I was in a clinch with Badlan. Took some
living down, I can tell you. Fair one.
3) The oldest joke in the
book, and Muggins here had to fall for it. Probably because I had
my head well stuck into a book about Coruscant history, I didn't
realise that Sauron, or some other joker,
had welded my throttle control lines while we were waiting to launch
for a patrol. Off I went from the hangar, through the patrol with
no problems, then headed back into the bay -- no deceleration. Only
a fool wouldn't have been frightened, but I could see the funny
side once the emergency crash team had cut me out of the cockpit.
Sure, only a foot to my left was a dangerous-looking spike of twisted
metal which would have creamed me -- but live fast, die young. Fair
one.
NB Reading through the list
I noticed that all of these pranks were directed at me. The odds
against such a coincidence are similar to getting five numbers and
the bonus ball on the lottery in a rollover week.
REAR ADMIRAL ANDRONICUS'
GUIDE TO FINANCES
When it coms to adding up anything other than the number of Rebels
vaped in a summer's afternoon, your average member of Wing IX struggles.
However, we are all responsible adults and fully capable
of dealing with adult responsibilities.
1) Mortgages - if you're going
to die tomorrow, there's no point wasting time dicking around organising
yourself a mortgage. Let's face it, by the time all the repayments
are made, you'll have been free atoms for a couple of decades. All
the top people in the TIE Corps rent. You can get in and out quickly
and, if tidy, leave no trace that you've ever been there.
2) Pensions - if you're going
to die tomorrow, there's no point wasting time dicking around organising
yourself a pension. Let's face it, by the time you're eligible to
pick up your free airbus pass and twenty credits a week you'll have
been free atoms for three or four decades. At least. As far as the
TIE Corps are concerned, if they discover you've taken out a pension
they reckon you've lost your bottle and you're shipped off a.s.a.p.
3) Life insurance - if you're
going to die tomorrow, there's absolutely ever point spending your
last twenty-four hours getting as much life insurance as you can
lay your hands on. The trouble is that the civvies who work in life
insurance aren't as stupid as they sound. No firm will offer life
insurance to a bloke who has parked a TIE Defender ourside and crashed
through their front window with his standard issue DL-44 Heavy Blaster
Pistol blazing.
There is, however, one patriotic
firm who offer terms to members of the TIE Corps. Not, it has to
be said, the most generous of terms, as the following list illustrates:
CAUSE OF DEATH - PREMIUM -
PAY-OUT
Friendly Fire - 1,000 IC per annum - 1,000 IC
Death during Training - 1,000 IC per annum - 2,000 IC
Death from Practical Joke - 1,000 IC per annum - 5,000 IC
Death from Vacuum Exposure - 1,000 IC per annum - 5,000 IC
Death from Alcohol Poisoning - 1,000 IC per annum - 5,000 IC
Death in Battle (caused by own incompetence) - 1,000 IC per annum
- 5,000 IC
Death in Battle (caused by enemy fire) - 1,000 IC per annum - 10,000,000
IC
GENERAL RICAUD'S GUIDE
TO LEADERSHIP
Cometh the hour, cometh the man. The buck stops here. No one remembers
who finished second. Take it to the top. It was an operational mistake,
not a bureaucratic one. All these handy phrases
revolve around the concept of leadership. And, when one studies
the history books, it is the leaders that stand out and grab the
attention. I, quite simply, am a leader. According to the roster,
anyway. And therefore handily placed to pass on a few ftips on that
knottiest of
problems -- what makes a great leader?
1. IT CAN'T BE TAUGHT
Leaders ae born, not made; bred, not manufactured; nannied, not
mothered. Leaders are educated at some expense at a school with
a history of leadership, surrounded by people of the right kidney.
Others, or should I say non-leaders in these politically correct
times, are not.
2. A BIT OF ARROGANCE NEVER
HURT ANYBODY
Goes without saying, but, perversely, often has to be said. The
only quality that marks out a leader from his fellow men is an ability
to rise effortlessly above them and smartly put them in their place.
Naturally, this sometimes doesn't go down well. I've lost count
of the number of times one member of the wing has resorted to violence
after I've casually remarked, "Tom, remind me again, how many
Imperial Crosses have you received?"
3. IT'S MAKING THE DECISION
THAT COUNTS, NOT WHETHER IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG
From the moment that, as a school prefect, you have to make your
first decision, whether to order Stubbs to run around the school
grounds backwards, or, despite the extra paperwork, simply expel
him, you realise the essential truth of this maxim. The backwards
run might do Stubbs some good, expulsion might benefit the school,
it's a tough one to call. However, if you get into a dither and
start weighing up the pros and cons it will be harmful to you, the
school, and most particularly, to Stubbs. As anyone who has ever
visited a dentist is well aware, it is the waiting that hurts.
4. COUP D'ETATS
Continuity in leadership is vital to success. When the knives come
out and it becomes apparent that it might be in my best interests
to stand down, I will choose my successor with care -- first port
of call being immediate friends. Any acquintance over eighteen not
wearing an earring gets the job. If that port proves to be dry,
then I move on to a list supplied by Alcholics' Anonymous. Finally,
as a port of last resort, I will throw into the hat anyone who has
ever invited me to their house for the weekend.
"Speak soflty and carry
a big stick," said Theodore Roosevelt. "A little whippy
willow one can also be fun," said General Ricaud.
LT. COMMANDER STALLION'S
GUIDE TO KARMA SUTRA
Sex. It's an inevitable fact of life. And as military officers,
it's a common fact of life for us TIE Corps flight jockeys. Let's
face it, no respectable chick can resist the charm of a dashing
starfighter pilot. Especially one with a backseat in his TIE Defender.
As resident Wing IX Love God, my aim is to make sure that you use
your lure as a pilot properly. That is, to milk it for all it's
worth. They don't call it "whore leave" for nothing, you
know ...
1. EQUIPMENT
Your basic kit for sexual activity is:
* A tube of K-Y Jelly -- for
lubrication. Essential for giving your boots a new lease of life.
The modern fighting man can't afford to waste time on foreplay,
conversation or indeed any form of relationship that cannot be terminated
in 30 seconds with air support.
* An excuse -- we're only human. For Christ's sake, we've been killing
all day.
* A valid passport -- for speedy exfiltration, preferably by Assault
Transport.
* The element of surprise -- lay down a good arc of bulls*** to
cover you before advancing. Check for booby traps and ensure that
the area allows the use of minefields to prevent target's departure
before penetration. If resistance is likely, soften up defences
with 28 days of orbital bombardment.
2. POSITIONING
For security reasons, the bog standard face-to-face missionary position
is a no-no. It allows your sexual partner (always a potential foe,
especially after the orbital bombardment) to take advantage
of your unprotected rear. How many times have you been pounding
away only to find a small child support agency query protruding
from your back? Of course, there are ways of minimising the risk,
such as tying the hands or anaesthetising, which, although pleasurable,
may put you at a disadvantage with your partner. It also makes it
really hard to get your clothes back on. But basically there is
only one safe sexual position for rock hard members of the TIE Corps.
The Fido
or "doggy" position. This stance allows you to prevent
your "doggy" partner (or pedigree chum) from stealing
a psychological advantage by looking at your eyes and saying things
like "Perhaps if you thumb it in?" or "Do you need
me here for this?" It is best to adopt this position close
to an open doorway to aid speedy withdrawal.
3. CONTRACEPTION
Any responsible pilot knows the value of a good packet of three.
For example, in the absence of brown hessian sacks, condoms make
great substitute sandbags and may also be adapted for use as
pressure sensitive space mines. Of course condoms also have a role
to play in sexual encounters and if you find you've run out, empty
a sandbag and use a brown hessian sack instead. It's a bit scratchy,
but a great way of disguising your identity.
4. AIDS
If you're really short, a chair can be very useful.
Remember: never give her your
real name, rank or serial number. Try sticking to your pen name.
MAJOR MALAKTOS' GUIDE
TO STRATEGY
Let's be frank, strategy is absolutely vital to success in combat,
and also in leadership. Now let's be frank again. I know a lot about
strategy, I've got a lot of experience. In fact, let's be very frank.
I'm good at strategy, and you're not. You're useless. You're incompetent.
You deserve to be beaten for your incompetence with a soggy shoe.
But apparently they have rules against that, so instead I've been
asked to help you out by writing this guide. Make the most of it,
because I'll be back with a shoe once the appeal is finished, you
can rely on that.
1. PLANNING & INTELLIGENCE
In modern warfare, nothing is more important than planning &
intelligence. One cannot plan without intelligence, and one cannot
be intelligent without planning. Many a mission has gone oboe-shaped
due to the man planning to be intelligent and then failing to follow
through with an intelligent plan. Most of our intelligence comes
from the Green Slime or spooks of the Intelligence Division. These
men are very experienced and exceedingly canny, and their ranks
contain the highest number of pub trivia teams in the whole of the
Outer Rim. Many of them even went to school and can tie their own
shoelaces with assistance and a manual. They are, of course, highly
secretive and many of them still don't know their real identities.
If some calls out "Hey, Bill" or "What ho, Jim?"
they often reply "Yes?" in the hope that they may be mistaken
for someone with a name. Their inability to sign cheques or open
bank accounts has made them one of the cheapest sections of the
Empire.
2. SEXUAL DISTRACTION
One of the many tricks of military strategy. The enemy have been
known to use sex as a very effective weapon and many's the time
a well-trained pilot has been rendered incapable by a strategically
placed female, not to mention a camel in a tutu on one occasion
which we won't talk about until after the court martial. Sexual
deviancy of any kind is absolutely prohibited in combat. What you
do with a goat, a tub of axle grease and a bicycle pump in the privacy
of your shed is your own affair, but there'll be no perversion on
duty. We're not the ISD Challenge.
3. BE PREPARED
The most important element of strategy is preparation. Preparation,
preparation, preparation. Preparation H is very effective for the
older officer. All those years spent sitting in front of desks tend
to take their toll.
4. BATTLE ETIQUETTE
There are certain things which are simply not done in combat. Playing
badminton with the heads of enemy casualties is bad manners and
frankly unhygienic. I don't ever want to see that sort of thing
going on again.
5. PHOTOGENIC STRATEGY
The first casualty of war is Ruth, but she knew the risks when she
joined the Nursing Corps. The second is getting the war photographers
to get your good side. You can never spend too long getting your
make-up right, and posing effectively could not be more important.
Pointing off into the middle distance and looking noble is a prerequisite.
That should do, shouldn't
it? Well frankly I'm not going to give away ALL my secrets, otherwise
there'll be too many frankly successful people around. Frankly.
LT. COMMANDER HOLTHAUS' GUIDE
TO CHRISTMAS
Domestically speaking, Christmas is the big one . It's the Sith
War, the Clone Wars, and the Galactic Civil War all rolled into
one. And it comes once a year. To survive you have to plan meticulously,
prepare yourself against any eventuality and know your enemy. In
my personal cause, Great Uncle NT, who technically isn't even a
relation but turns up every year regardless and attempts to disrupt
proceedings.
1. GOD
You can't ignore Uncle God at Christmas. He is the big player. The
Supreme Being. Without him the show might never have gone up. A
sobering thought. Over the Christmas period I try to spare a few
moments for Uncle God. We go back a long way. During training, when
I was marooned from the rest of my fellow cadets and nursing a watery
vodka in a casino on the outskirts of New Imperial City,
the Supreme Being appeared just over the right-hand corner of the
fruit machine. In a trance, I disengaged the required bit of sharpnel
from my pocket, slotted it into the machine and pulled the lever.
Whirrr, whirr, whirr. "If you help me now, I'll be your best
friend forever," I pleaded. "If you're there, do it, and
I'll be putting pennies in your pot forever." It came up lemon,
orange, plum. There wasn't even a nudge. God did not exist.
2. CHRISTMAS DINNER
The second big contact of the proceedings. Usually develops into
one helluva fire-fight. The important man to watch like a hawk is
Great Uncle NT. He's as dangerous as jundie with an inflamed chutney
ferret, and he knows it. To counter this I like to take up position
at the head of the table which gives me a good OP on the action.
At the other end I place a wife or girlfriend, or any poor woman
I can kidnap at short notice to fill in the role, and down one side
attempt to neutralise Great Uncle NT by putting him between the
twins. For their own protection no one sits in front of Great Uncle
NT. Three years ago, he bulked up horribly over the new pastel sweater
with squadron logo my grandmother had knitted me. I thought I was
going to do. Since that moment I keep eye-to-eye contact on Great
Uncle NT at all times. The eys give so much away. They are a window
into what's left of his mind. They tell you when he's happy, when
he's sad, when he's alert, when he's bluffing, and most important,
when he's going to bulk up all over your sweater.
3. THE EMPEROR'S SPEECH AND
GIFT
For me, and I suspect the rest of the Empire, His Majesty taking
the time to talk to his subjects makes everything worthwhile. In
as little as fifteen minutes this wonderful man can put everything
to right. Long live our noble Emperor (though there are rumours
flying around he's been dead for the past five years, and they've
actually just been repeating past years' speeches, but nobody notices).
As a family we watch the whole speech standing to attention and
I don't give the command "Easy" until the theme music
for the Christmas edition of Top of the Pops if well under way.
Little Timmy once stopped saluting after just five minutes, complaining
of a sore arm. One quick blow, and he was complaining of a broken
arm for the next six months. Rough justice, but necessary to instill
loyalty to the Empire in the young ones.
After His Majesty everything
is liable to be a disappointment. Like everyone else we try to mask
this disappointment by the meaningless gesture of giving each other
presents at 1600 hours. It doesn't work.
THE END, NOW BUGGER OFF
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