| Yoda Stories - AD Pickled Yoda
The Life and More Life of Pickled Yoda
Joining the Emperor’s Hammer
Chapter One – “Every Saga has a beginning”
Pickled Yoda was an odd child. Not odd because he was unusually insane or unstable – though he was borderline – odd because he was quite unlike his parents. They probably weren’t his real parents, because that is often the case in these stories where the main character grows up to be a hero and saves the universe. Nevertheless, he has to be raised by someone so that they can be killed in a tragic fashion somewhere around the second chapter of the story.
There is a word for stories of this magnitude and that word is epic, although saga is also often used. Epics need more than one character, so we’ll get along to some new faces shortly. There is a word for stories with only one character, and that word is shithouse.
At this point in a movie there would probably be a long shot of a nice family home with a nice garden and happy children dancing happily and with everything so damn peaceful. Luckily this is not a movie. This is a story, so there are no pictures of people so happy you want to puke. All you need to know is that – as families go – Yoda’s family was fine. Meaning that they were still on speaking terms, and those terms were not, “I’m going to kill you some day.”
Now the parents that Yoda was quite unlike were rather normal, if slightly insane. For reasons not specified yet incredibly convenient for the story, they were unable to have children of their own. Rather than accepting this clear omen with a quiet happiness or even indifference, they foolishly decided that they wanted to raise children, which meant they would have to adopt someone. In a moment of absent mindedness, they forgot to check the “humans only” box on the adoption papers and before you could say “what-a-surprising-turn-of-events-that-could-happen-to-anyone” they had a small green gnome as their adopted son.
There are no points for guessing who that small green gnome was – it is obviously the hero of our tale. While normally this child would grow up in a happy and comfortable manner, Yoda did not. Sure, he matured into a young man/…thing..., but he did not actually *grow*. He stayed, more or less, at two feet tall. But his adoptive-foster-slightly-insane-about-to-die-in-chapter-two-parents loved him anyway, even if he could only hug their legs. Yoda was a good child, as they go, which prompted his parents to try for another adoption.
Why his parents (who shall remain nameless in case you get too attached to them before they die their horrible narrative-furthering deaths) thought that a Wookiee child would be manageable, this humble Bodiless Personifications Of a Generic NArrator Figure (B. POGNAF or ‘pog’ for short) does not know. What he does know is that if any more sentences get stretched to three and a half lines long, he will quickly lose the attention of his readers that he craves so very much. This Wookiee child, after being briefly1 known as Derric, was called Porshakka.
Chapter Two – “Gruesome life changing attacks that come as a complete surprise to the reader”
Due to a freak sequence of events that happened for no reason other than the author’s whim, one day Yoda and Porshakka were away from their home. Their home, incidentally, was a platform with little defenses despite it being in prime condition for a gruesome life changing attack that comes as a complete surprise to the reader. This completely unexpected attack will come from either pirates or the New Republic, depending on whether the main character is going to develop an allergy to pirate talk or whining Jedi.
For Severe Mental Trauma™ and dramatic effect, this completely surprising attack will ambush our dashing hero moments before he would have actually been there… so he’s about 20k out from his home. Suddenly, the sadistic hand of the author caused an enormous fleet of New Republic ships to hyperspace right next to his home and suddenly, like the bastards they were, obliterated his home. Yoda probably felt voices scream out in terror through the force or something like that. It didn’t really matter, as he had already been filled with rage and sworn to bring the New Republic down. No doubt at this point our hero will take his anger out on a hapless starfighter squadron whose only crime was to be around at a time when the author needed to insert some action in an otherwise dull mission.
Having overcome 12v1 odds2 to clear the area of fighters, Yoda flew in to inspect the wreckage that had been his home. Suddenly, just as he was about to dock with the largest piece of debris to search for any belongings, it exploded and sent the ship tumbling into deep space. The last thing Yoda saw before he passed out were a menacing pair of dark eyes staring into him. Luckily before he passed out he realized it was only the reflection of his sunglasses in the mirror.
Chapter Three - “Recovery”
When Yoda woke up the first thing he did was check on his adopted, mal-adjusted, psychotic wookiee brother. He immediately noticed one very interesting thing about his brother, and said. “I didn’t know you had dyed your mohawk red!” At this point his brother sat up groggily and asked him what he was smoking. “Your mohawk!” said Yoda, “It’s red. I don’t think it suits you though.”
“Bah, you idiot. It’s blood. I think I hit my head when I fell down.”
“OH MY GOD!” Shrieked Yoda, like a little girl.
“It’s ok. I’m fine.”
“NO! GET UP! YOU’LL STAIN THE CARPET! Dad will kill me if the carpet gets stained”
“Umm..”
“What? Oh. Yes. They’re dead.” Yoda then passed out for a second time, either because he can’t stand the sight of blood or because he doesn’t like having his parents dead. It really doesn’t matter, as long as he passed out and we get to advance time by a few hours.
Waking up a few hours later, Yoda finds that outside the viewports he can see the beautiful bright azure glow of hyperspace outside. Transfixed, he stared in wonderment at the incredible vista infront of him, before suddenly being rudely interrupted by a bored narrator, who said,
“STOP! STOP, STOP, STOP! What do you think this is, a poem? We don’t care how pretty hyperspace is, we only care that we’re in it and going somewhere that is more interesting than this small YT-1300.”
At this point the narrator thumped Yoda on the head quite hard and he didn’t wake up for two point five seven nine hours – the exact time, coincidently, that it took for his brother to fly to the nearest planet and land on it. Once there, Porshakka checked into the medical center while Yoda went for a walk to clear his mind. This was rather difficult, as they appeared to have landed on a tropical part of the planet in the middle of the summer months in an area of town populated by scantily clad women. Nevertheless, Yoda decided on what he was going to do.
The decision about his future was easy enough. Because of the Severe Mental Trauma™, and his vow of revenge against the New Republic, Yoda decided to join one of the many imperial fleets that opposed them. The question was… which one? However, this was soon easily settled. Yoda was, by nature, a lazy man… thing. As it turned out, they were on Aurora, which made it incredibly easy to join the local imperial faction… the Emperor’s Hammer.
Chapter the rest
Yoda joined the EH and did lots of stuff. But that’s a tale for another time.
(1) Briefly meaning in this context “15 seconds – the time it took to yell in Wookie ‘THAT’S A REALLY STUPID NAME YOU IDIOT’”
(2) 4v1 odds against idiots in Z-95s if he was flying on easy, 1v3 odds if he calls in reinforcements. A sort of ‘choose your own hero’ feature.
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