Horoscopes
by
Werdna Elbee
| Aries: March 21st - April 19th | |
| Be wary of that farmer with the roving eye and loose pants. Keep with the flock, or he'll have ya! | |
| Taurus: April 20th - May 20th | |
| Don't take any bull this month. | |
| Gemini: May 21st - June 21st | |
| One twin will live a luxurious life, while the other shall die a horrible death. Make sure you're the lucky one! | |
| Cancer: June 22nd - July 22nd | |
| Everyone needs room for growth, but you just do it too darn fast for people to cope. Slow down. | |
| Leo: July 23rd - August 22nd | |
| Try eating raw meat. You'll probably find you like it. | |
| Virgo: August 23rd - September 22nd | |
| Aren't you a pretty one? Use it to your advantage, you might get a free car or something out of it. | |
| Libra: September 23rd - October 23rd | |
| Find balance in your life. | |
| Scorpio: October 24th - November 22nd | |
| You should really come out of your shell more. | |
| Sagittarius: November 23rd - December 21st | |
| Whoh, Nelly! Calm down. | |
| Capricorn: December 22nd - January 19th | |
| What the hell is a Capricorn? I remember one of Jamiroquai songs had a one in. Oh, just go and listen to them this month. | |
| Aquarius: January 20th - February 18th | |
| Oh, don't be so wet! Snap out of it! | |
| Pisces: February 19th - March 20th | |
| You will have a fantastic month where everything will do right for you in love, success and money. | |