After reading Mairin's article on preparing for a date with FA AbsoluteK in the last issue of Vogue, I thought it would be wise to write a similar guide for us men.

Since we men are from a completely different planet than the fairer sex, then the way we prepare for a date is completely different. We don't have to work out how to get in and out of the bath without getting our pedicure and manicured nails wet (although I would love to know how that is done without injury), buy clothes that are one size to small to make sure we lose weight, or hint that we want sex at the end of the night (1st Rule: It's up to the women completely!!! Trust me!!! You have no say in the matter!!!).

One week before the date

Go drinking with your mates. This is the perfect time to brag that, "Yeah, she was all over me. I had to give her my phone number to get rid of her. I'll probably call in a few days."

These are of course blatant lies, but they are compulsory in this situation. You may know that you called her as soon as you could to organise a date, that she only agreed to go out with you after you got her plastered with enough alcohol, and that you were originally trying to chat up her more attractive friend but had to give up.

Your friends can't know that though!!! It all goes back to our ancient primate ancestors, who used such knowledge to show you as a weak leader and take your place in the pack. Nothing has changed since them days, so keep your gob shut!

I suggest you also try to look manly when telling all your lies to your mates to emphasise how powerful you are. To do this, sniff proudly when finishing sentences, pull up your trousers by the belt occasionally and look over your friends when you talk to them. That will let them know you think of them as just little people who are only good for listening about your latest conquests.

Two days before the date

You should really organise what you're going to be doing on this date. Men often make the mistake of thinking too far and putting all their effort into planning "late-night show", but you're not going to get anywhere unless you plan the actual date itself.

First, check your wallet. That will give you some idea of how impressive you can make the night. It could mean the difference between a nice, romantic Italian restaurant, or a few drinks at the pub and a McDonalds. If you don't have enough money for the Italian then get some. For some reason women aren't impressed with a Happy Meal…even if you give them your toy too!!!

Second, book a table at the restaurant. You don't want to turn up at the place and be turned away because it's packed full of people. Also, ask how much the meals and wine cost…it won't make it any cheaper, but at least you'll be prepared when you open the menu and see what the prices are. The reaction you make is always something a girl looks for. If you suddenly go pale and order a salad and a glass of water, you're not "The One".

Thirdly, phone your date and tell her when to be ready to go out. Remember you should add on 2 hours before the latest time you can set off for the meal, because women are just never ready to go out straight away. It's not that bad a thing though because it gives you time to chat to her roommate and find out what your date is like, and you can check the football results when the roommate straps your date into her dress.

The morning before the date

It's about time you bought a few clothes and stuff for the date. You've been putting it off all week, because we all know that shopping is a pain, but you better get your arse in gear if you want to impress the lady at the date. So once you've ate some breakfast, showered and dressed…go to the shops right away!!!

To dress to impress, get a modern suit. If you're too casual, then you look like you haven't tried and you will look a complete tip next to your dolled up date. If you're too formal, then you look like you have no style and have dressed for a job interview rather than a date. It's best to remember, "No Ties, No Trainers".

Of course, not everyone has style. Especially you! So listen to someone who has more class than a royal…

Get a BLACK suit. Grey looks boring, and any other colour looks cheap and tacky. You should get one that fits well too. If you can afford it, get a suit made to your measurements. If you can't afford it, make sure you try on your jackets in the shop before you buy them (I know it's against men's shopping rules, but it will eventually pay off). Don't get suit like your dad wears when he goes out, as they are way too formal. In fact, if you can find one with a jacket that has no buttons, or even uses a zip instead…get it!

It doesn't matter what type of suit you get though, they always look a little bit boring. So add a bit of spice by getting a nice shirt. It should be a nice colour like red, purple or dark blue. It should also just have one colour in it. No patterns, and for Gods sake…no Hawaiian shirts!!!

Next up are the shoes. As I said before, no trainers! I don't really like wearing shoes myself, but I found a nice middle ground by getting boots instead (like Doc Martins). Don't worry about all the laces and stuff wreaking your style, as your trousers will cover them up no bother. Also, BLACK socks underneath!!! Trust me.

As for underwear, remember that you're hoping to be stripping off at the end of the date. Some named brands are good, but I prefer to go with plain black pants or boxers. Really, the main tip is to at least remember to change your pants (I know it's hard to remember, but try) and not wear ones with cartoon characters on (they are for the second date…adds a bit of humour that only works once the girl knows you a bit better).

Then it's just a matter of shaving, gelling your hair nicely (waxing works well too) and spraying on the deodorant. I don't suggest aftershave…it just seems your trying too hard then. Make up for it by spraying on a bit more deodorant than usual.

Just before the date

As I said, when you get to your dates house you will have a couple of hours to kill before she is ready. Agree to that cup of tea the roommate offers as your going to be there for sometime.

When your date is eventually ready and joins you in the hall, looked stunned when you see her and mutter "Wow!" Don't say nothing, or complain about the time she took…just say "Wow!"

Also, don't say too much when you see her. She'll pick up on words like "nice" and go ballistic because she was trying for "sexy". Or if you say she looks sexy, then she'll say it does mean anything and there's not a chance in hell you'll get in bed with her.

During the date

Be charming. Look attentive when she's talking. Try and look into her eyes and not her cleavage. Pay for everything.

I think this is a good place to mention condoms. While it is very, very, very wise to have them, you may not want to carry them around with you just in case you look desperate. A good tip is to take a lot of pound coins (or whatever currency you use) with you, and if everything looks like it's going well you can just nip off to the toilets and get a few from the machine.

After the date

Be a gentleman and offer your date a ride home, or walk them home. Even if you find you don't like them…it's polite.

When you get to her house, try and hold yourself back a bit. If your date wants the night to "continue", she'll make it known. Just go with the flow.

If it doesn't go your way, don't look too disappointed. Live with her decision, and try and sort out another date so you can have another crack at getting in her bed.

If does go your way…enjoy yourself!!!