ARIES
(March 21-April 19)

Beware… Christmas is upon you, and we forgot the goose. Fly! Fly for your lives! Before we get you with the carving-laser…

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

My… What big horns you have… Can I touch?

GEMINI
(May 21-June 21)

This month you will mostly be playing. And playing. And playing. And playing a bit more. Because you’re a Gemini and that’s your job, damnit! Now’s the time to get TIE95 out of its box and whack around a bit with that joystick. It’s only gathering dust up there!

CANCER
(June 22-July 22)

Didn’t they find a vaccine for you yet?

LEO
(July 23-August 22)

You will die. Horribly. And bees will eat your intestines.

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)

Still? Damnit, go out and get laid! Now! It’s an order!

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)

All is not equal. All is unequal. Get out there and shoot some rebels before they swarm all over the capital!

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)

Get hot, get sexy, and dress up in red. It’s not going to take much to have him on his knees this year. But a little extra punishment to get him there never hurt anyone.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)

He shoots! He scores! No! He hit the rim! It’s all over the floor! You need to improve your aim…

CAPRICORN (December
22-January 19)

You will have sexual relations with a beautiful woman. And no, I don’t care what your sexual orientation is. The stars never lie!

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)

Christmas. Presents. Turkey. Enjoy, and stop being an old misery guts. We’re all fed up of you. Just like we’re fed up of turkey by New Year

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)

Fish aren’t loved round about Christmas. So you get no presents and no turkey. Unless of course, you pay the Cosmo lots of money and buy a ginger toupé