Do you have a problem with your life? Do you feel that you just can’t cope with the Emperor’s Hammer anymore? Is there a particular problem that keeps coming back to haunt you?
Write to Auntie Mai for a total lack of sympathy!
Dear Auntie Mai,
Not so very long ago, I was feeling a little lonely up here in Glossop (UK), and even putting on my special trousers didn’t help. I know it was stupid, but I ended up going to a massage parlour and paying for “extras”. I don’t think that was bad in itself, but my friends’ reaction has been bad, to say the least. I’m sure they’re never going to let me forget it, and I’m afraid that they’ll find some way to tell my 16 year old girlfriend that I paid for sex. I know that as a Sith Aedile and a well-respected Colonel of the Fleet, I should have known better, but how do I get my friends to stop bringing it up?
Yours,
A CSK Sith
Dear “CSK Sith”
What a silly predicament to get yourself into! Let’s ignore the problems of STDs, pregnancy and the fact the whore probably had a vagina like the M1 (well used…), what on earth possessed you? Think how much beer you could have spent that money on! You really should have held yourself back and said no. Let that be your maxim for the rest of Christmas! That way you might avoid putting on loads of weight as well. Your friends are quite right to tease you about it. I hope they do so for a good long time to come!
Dear Auntie Mai,
I recently stepped down from my position within the EH as Lord Ambassador and have remained as a simple Poll Officer. What bothers me is that I can’t get a girl. I sit on IRC for hours every day moaning and whingeing about my lack of girlfriend and sex. Recently, I got so desperate to improve my standing with my peers, that I asked one of my friends, Heather, to come on IRC and lie for me, telling everyone that I had got lucky and been laid. I suffered a crisis of conscience shortly afterwards, however, and was forced to admit the truth – which was that I hadn’t lost my virginity. What can I do?
Yours,
Poll Boy
Dear “Poll Boy”
Dear oh dear oh dear. When will people realise that sex is not a race? It is far more important to find someone whom you love and who loves you back than to rush into meaningless sexual relationships with all and sundry. Although that can be great fun too. Stop trying to rush yourself out of your youth and sit back and enjoy it. Also take note that women love bad boys – buy yourself a Harley Davidson and you’re guaranteed to score.
Dear Auntie Mai,
I recently got made Lord Ambassador. Being the only Brit among the ranks of Imperial Advisors has been a bit of a strain and I recently made an appearance on IRC stoned out of my tiny brain. Unfortunately, I then proceeded to make a bit of an ass of myself. I’m terrified in case everyone finds out about it, or in case an unscrupulous Cosmo editor happens to pick up on the story and splash it all across the pages of her infamous magazine. Oh what shall I do?
Yours,
Quaking in Fear
Dear “Quaking in Fear”
How about not appearing on IRC when drunk/stoned? Unfortunately, your fears have been realised and your IRC-idiocy is featuring in the Cosmo. Suffer!