Its Christmas!

Yep, it’s that time of the year again! That time where we buy everyone presents and get heaps more in return, send cards and trash up the Postal service, and eat vast amounts of Turkey. So… in this time of family, friends and turkey, how can one make sure that we get the presents we want, get the man we want AND get more turkey than we ought to eat in one sitting without ceding a centimetre to your evil older sister? Here’s Cosmo’s guide on How to Survive Christmas and Get Away With It.

How to Get the Present You Want

Make sure you drop plenty of heavy hints. The best way to do this is to take your boyfriend shopping with you. Spot the thing you want the week or day before you go, and make sure you lay heavy emphasis on how much you like this particular item
Pick something that isn’t overly expensive. The likelihood is that if you pick out that gorgeous racing green Jaguar XJS, your boyfriend is not going to buy it for you. Don’t even go there. A Jasper Conran dress he might stretch to. That Ł5,500 ring in the window of the local jewellers’? Forget it, girlfriend!
Make it fun for him to remember what you want! Make him join the dots games, feed him chocolate if he parrots off your Santa Claus list perfectly, and, best of all, promise him sex instead of turkey if he gets you the perfect gift.
Broadcast your lingerie size. Men like buying women lingerie – just make sure if he does he gets it in the size you are, not the size he wants you to be!
Drop hints about what you got him – men will feel shamed and outdone if you’ve spent more than he has, so the more hints you drop, the more likely he is to make sure he buys you something fantabulous.
If all else fails, get him drunk, steal his credit card and buy it yourself. “Darling, you don’t have to worry about my presents anymore – I got them myself.”

How to Get Away From the Family

Yes… It’s Christmas. It’s a time for families. But for God’s sake! The family is so dull! Let’s not go there if at all possible! The best way to avoid the family is to go abroad. Emigrate. Pack your things and leave without telling them. They will be so stunned that you haven’t told them you’re leaving you’ll have at least five months’ grace before they come looking for you
The second best way to avoid the family, if the “abroad” option doesn’t suit, is to be in another city. Gatecrash your nearest dearest friend’s family Christmas (trust me, she’ll love you for it!) or gatecrash your boyfriend’s (just try and make a good impression if you do this).
Make sure your family are on their best behaviour by inviting extra people along. Invite your boyfriend (he has to meet the relatives at some time or another), or your nearest dearest friend (she’ll love you for this too) and make sure you hide the really embarrassing baby pictures of you. Yes. Those ones of you naked. Running down the beach. In a sunhat. Holding a spade. Those ones you think no one else has seen but you and your nearest relatives.
Last, but not least, and only to be used in the extreme – murder. Take that pickaxe out of the back of the cupboard and whack it through your family’s collective skull. Trust me. You’ll feel better in the morning.

How to Make Your Mother Think You’re Perfect – and Your Older Sister is Not

Help her cook Christmas dinner. Mothers love this. Just please make sure you can cook before you take that big step. Messing up Christmas dinner is not a good plan.
If you can’t cook, let your older sister cook – just make sure you distract her attention at that crucial point in making the cheese sauce or roasting the potatoes or basting the turkey.
If distraction is impossible, do the next best thing and wash up after dinner. Don’t break any glasses though, and don’t complain about the amounts of washing up that there are!
Dress neatly. Your mother loves to remember you as a virginal seven year old, so get back into T-bar shoes, bunches and long skirts. Not only that, but make sure it looks seasonal. Interesting touches of tinsel and glitter are bound to go down well.
Be demure. I know it’s hard, but do try! Lower your eyes, defer to the men around the table and offer everyone everything before you take anything yourself. Just remember. You only have to do it for one year and you can get back to your bitchy feminist selfish self in no time at all!

The point of all this? The better you are on Christmas Day, and the nicer your mother thinks you are, the better presents you get next year.

How to Get All the Turkey

Wait until Turkey is cooked
Grab
Run
Do not stop until they stop chasing