1) Dear Auntie M, I seem to have this problem… Everywhere I go, girls keep stroking my legs and blaming it on my trousers. I get the feeling that it's just my trousers they're interested in, and I don't seem to have any say in the matter. I'm tired of getting groped for my rubberised leather pants. How can I get girls to molest me for me and not my clothing?
Yours, Folically Challenged
Dear Folically Challenged! Poor you! Have you ever considered covering your entire body in rubberised leather? I have to say, I'd wear it if it would get the boys to do that to me… Oh. Hang on… They already do! Well, I suggest ditching the trousers and buying platform boots instead. Great trade off.
2) Dear Auntie M! It's so unfair! One of my friends has this gorgeous pair of platform boots and she won't let me have them! All right, so my feet are a wee bit bigger than hers, but I'm sure if I cut the toes out, they'd fit just fine! How can I convince her to hand 'em over?
Yours, A Shropshire Lad
Dear Shropshire Lad, how about getting your hands off Mairin's boots and BUY YOUR OWN!
3) Dear Auntie M, I am a high ranking EH official, and am currently sleeping with two very demanding women. The only problem is that they seem to be insatiable and I'm not sure I can cope with their sexual molestation anymore. What shall I do? Every time I tell my friends about this problem, they just reply with "HA HA HA". I thought my "picture gallery" would keep me occupied, but its nothing to these voracious Krath. Oh help me, please!
Yours, Admoral
Dear Admoral, your problem is a common one for many high-ranked officials. Just bear in mind that these girls are only after you for medals/promotions. Once you lose your position of power they won't be interested anymore, so enjoy it whilst you can!