It’s summer time again. What better way to spend a weekend than by joining up with some fellow members from the Dark Side Massive (The Emperor’s Hammer) and have a good time? So it was that a vast number of Emperor’s Hammer members descended upon Mannheim and severely diminished its supplies of alcoholic beverage. Beginning very early on a Thursday morning, the meeting lasted right up until the end of Sunday for some people, and a good time was definitely had by all. The "Cosmospolitan" went on location with its intrepid reporter, Mairin Astoris, to bring to our precious reader the complete low-down on Mannheim 2000.

***

Arriving on Thursday 1^st June early in the morning at Frankfurt Hahn airport, four intrepid Brits were almost immediately struck by the Rebel conspiracy, which dogged the entire meeting. Firstly, CM Brandon was groped at the airport by a weird looking man with an interesting tool, and Wing VIII Commander, LC Mell, fell prey to a mystery illness. This was a sickness, which was to prevent him fully enjoying the morning we spent exploring Frankfurt and converting it to the Dark Side. Natalie Portman was not spotted except in the pages of FHM.

Following our arrival in Mannheim the Rebels yet again struck, abducting Tethys and forcing him to sleep on a park bench all night. "Don’t let him near the marmalade" cried CM Brandon the next morning when Tethys duly reappeared somewhat traumatised by his abduction. Mairin and Arania took the whole thing in their stride – or at least would have, had Mairin’s shoes not been sabotaged by Rebels the night before, necessitating frantic shoe shopping.

Further episodes of Rebel involvement were enjoyed by the Brits on Sunday as they attempted to return to England.

First off, Mairin was struck down with Mell’s illness, and then Mell himself managed to forget his identity papers, which necessitated him taking a later flight. Forced to abandon their favourite Wing Commander, the remaining three Brits boarded a plane to England.

This was preceded by Brandy getting groped once again, by a man with an even more interesting instrument than the last one. Brandy claimed proudly: "They prefer me."

The plane landed after an uneventful flight, although it is possible that a Rebel was nearly killed during the in-flight movie.

Finally returning to England, the return home for the Brits ended up being uneventful. The Rebels defeated, we all indulged in a well-earned cup of tea.

***

Lightsabre duels took place on Saturday afternoon beside a river. Matched up against the boys, the girls (Callista, Mairin and Arania) decided that it was time to prove that in a Girls VS. Boys scenario, the girls conquer every time.

Apart from a brief instant when it looked as though LC Oldham would vanquish KAP Mairin- a duel which ended up with them both rolling around on the floor – the girls whipped butt every time.

Callista’s bouncing action more than confounded the guys, whilst Arania’s vicious slash was more than enough to send them running for the water’s edge.

Mairin more prosaically struck for the head, and was rewarded many a time with the Jedi "Ow!" from the lads.

It is believed that the boys need more practice.

***

It was on arrival at the Mannheim barracks that Brandon revealed his shock horror decision to not take a shower for the whole time there.

"There’s a big hairy guy in there!" he protested. "And there aren’t any doors!"

Everyone else found this highly amusing, amid protests that Brandon was going to stink by the end of the weekend.

"Brandon," said Mairin with her usual insight, "just doesn’t want to get groped again."

"But there’s nothing down there!" he cried. "No! Wait! Oh...."

Severely worried by Brandon’s overly personal information, the rest of the group melted away…

***

Finally uncovered, in the pages of the Cosmospolitan: CM Brandon’s real name…

Discovered after careful (and not at all drunken) research by Mairin Astoris, Brandon’s true name requires the insertion of hyphens to read: CM Bra-n-don.

Mairin can also reveal that Bra-n-don has nice breasts.

Bra-n-don also has trouble opening doors, as he can’t put his hands on the right knobs to save his life.

"The handle moved," he cried, trying to justify his incompetence.

***

Yes, it’s true. Even whilst on holiday, Mairin is always on the lookout for new Hammer recruits – and her recruitment methods turned out to be somewhat unorthodox.

Returning to barracks after a nice refreshing shower, Mairin folded up her towels like a good girl and was just putting them back in her bag when she proclaimed to the world in general: "I’m sure I had my bra with me."

Scurrying out into the corridor to retrieve her bra, Mairin was accused of using sex to recruit unsuspecting members of the German public.

"Well of course," she answered. "What better way is there?"

***

Getting ready to go out on Friday night, Mairin was introduced to Oldham’s "special trousers".

"Ooh, strokey," said Mairin, and happily spent the rest of the night stroking Oldham’s legs.

"Easy, tiger," was his only comment on the situation. Mairin, however, try as she might, was unable to get so much as a finger inside the pants as they were a little tight.

Oldham, however, took great pleasure in probing Mairin’s ticklish spots, eliciting some interesting squeaks and wriggles from the cutest EH member ever. Oldham was not ticklish, and therefore Mairin could not revenge herself…

***

Friday night – Mairin’s 20^th birthday, as it turned out – turned out to be very eventful. Not only was there the attempt to get into Oldham’s pants, and the arrival of Tethys’s turkey (for which he had been waiting ten years, he said…) but it was also the day on which Wolly stole all the alcohol that we had spent the vast majority of the afternoon collecting.

Yes, sadly it is true. With all our alcohol in the back of his car, Wolly dashed off to the airport and left us beer-less for the evening. The Austrians were less than impressed, especially as the flight Wolly was waiting for turned out to be delayed and he would not make it back before four in the morning.

Not only this – but the same thing happened on Saturday night when Wolly yet again disappeared with British bought alcohol in the back of his car. With no opportunities to retrieve the alcohol, the Brits were forced to ask Callista to get it back and post it to them. "Just give me thirty minutes," she said.

***

Yes, it’s true. Arania wants Astatine to CENSORED so that CENSORED can CENSORED in the CENSORED areas of CENSORED. CENSORED, Arania CENSORED Astatine when CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. When CENSORED, Arania CENSORED all accusations and CENSORED the CENSORED thereby casting all CENSORED on CENSORED.

Remarking on the CENSORED, Astatine said: "I don’t CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED."

Arania stated: "I am very CENSORED that this CENSORED has come to CENSORED seeing as CENSORED needs a CENSORED in the right CENSORED and I’m just the CENSORED to give it to him."

When asked to CENSORED, Mairin said: "I’m not involved! Honest, I’m not!"

The remainder of those present shook their heads and said: "Arania and Mairin CENSORED and CENSORED can’t possibly CENSORED with any CENSORED."

CM Bra-n-don then stuck his wet fingers into Mairin’s CENSORED and stole Arania’s underwear.