The Condensed Star Wars

Here's the condensed story of all six films of the Star Wars Trilogy, as told by by Merlin...enjoy!

==Episode I==

Trade Federation:- We are evil, we’re about to invade Naboo.
Qui Gon Jin:- Naughty people, I will stop you.
Obi Wan:- And I will arse around while you do so.
Darth Sidious:- I am even more evil (and I’m not Palpatine, honest!)
Queen Amidala:- I have stupid hair but sound very regal.
Padme:- Why am I in this film?
Anakin:- I’m cute, but can fly real good.
Jar Jar Binks:- Youssa gonna buy my action figure?
Senator Palpatine:- Just do as I say and everything will be o.k. (and I’m not Darth Sidious, really, I’m telling you.)
Anakin’s Mum:- No, no, no, oh go on then.
Cue expensive CGI pod racing with poorly characterized bad guy.
Darth Maul:- I am slightly more evil than the Trade Federation, but not as evil as Darth Sidious
Qui Gon Gin:- You will be a Jedi I promise.
Jedi Council:- No, no, no, oh go on then.
Trade Federation:- Had you forgotten about us? we’re still evil.
Gunguans:- So your plan is we mount a full frontal attack in which it is certain many of our people will die whilst you mess on doing relatively nothing? Sounds good to us.
Cue expensive CGI battle.
Anakin:- Oh, I’ve accidentally won the battle (smiles cutely) don’t you just want to smash my face in.
Qui Gon Gin:- Oh, I seem to be dead.
Obi Wan:- Don’t worry, I’ll be Alec Guinness by episode 3, then I’ll be able to act.
Darth Maul:- Heh, heh. I AM evil.
Obi Wan:- Bastard, oh sorry I seem to of slipped in to trainspotting mode.
Darth Maul:- Oh, I seem to be dead.
Darth Maul, cut in two falls down a ventilation shaft, blood pours from him.
Audience:- You didn’t see that sort of thing in the first 3.
Cue expensive CGI celebration.
Queen Amidala:- didn’t I do well?
Senator Palpatine:- (Suppresses evil laugh.)

==Episode II==

Queen Amidala:- You’ve aged quickly Anakin.
Anakin:- Yes I have, fancy a quickie?
Queen Amidala:- Yes.
Anakin:- You’re not Padme now are you?
Queen Amidala:- No.
Anakin:- Good.
1 minute and 57 seconds later.
Queen Amidala:- (sounding disappointed.) Oh, don’t worry it happens to every Jedi.
Anakin:- (By now is asleep.)
Boba Fett:- Hello.
Anakin’s Mum:- Oh dear, I seem to be dead.

==Episode III==

Anakin:- Mmmmm, what to do now? I’ve already had Natalie Portman. I know I’ll become evil. (Does so and becomes Darth Vader.)
Darth Vader:- Mmmmm, now I’m a Sith a need a gimmick, Maul had his horns and his double ended light sabre, Sidious his hood thingy. What about me? I know. Obi Wan, come here.
Obi Wan:- Arrg, you’re evil.
Darth Vader:- Yes, now be a good Jedi and push me in this Lava Pit.
Obi Wan:- Ummm, o.k.
Darth Vader:- OW! Still at least I’ll get to wear a cool black out fit now, and James Earl Jones will do my voice.
Queen Amidala:- Oh, dear I’m pregnant and my former lover is now the most evil man in the universe, I doubt he’ll be paying maintenance. I’ll have to give them away.

==Episode IV==

Luke:- Are you Obi Wan Kenobe?
Obi Wan:- (Being Alec Guinness now and hence able to act.) I haven’t heard that name since oh, nigh on before you were born.
Leia:- Help me Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.
Luke:- I fancy her.
Obi Wan:- (Thinks) god I hope they don’t ever have kids together.
Han Solo:- I have a fast ship.
Obi Wan:- I sense a disturbance in the force.
Han:- No Alderan. Lets go and look at that small moon.
Obi Wan:- That’s not a small moon.
Han:- Too late.
They get caught.
Han:- Let’s hide.
Everyone else:- O.K..
They Hide.
Obi Wan:- I’m off to meet my destiny, uh sorry, deactivate the tractor beam.
Han:- We’ll wait.
Luke:- Leia’s here, perhaps if I rescue her she let me give her one. Come on Han, lets go rescue her.
Han:- No, no, no, oh go on.
They rescue her, she makes vague size innuendo in the process.
Obi Wan:- (To Darth Vader) Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.
Darth Vader:- Alright, Granddad.
Obi Wan:- Oh, I seem to be dead.
Luke:- Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (repeat o’s ad infinatum.)
Han:- I have a fast ship.
They Run.
Luke:- Didn’t some one say something about some secret plans?
Leia:- Yeah.
Luke:- Shall we do the big fight bit then?
Leia:- Yup.
Rebel Commander:- Yadda yadda yadda, exhaust port, Yadda Yadda Yadda. Photon Torpedoes.
Han:- It’ll never work.
Luke:- But its got to, we’re the goodies.
Han:- I know, I’m the random cynic that stops this film becoming too twee.
Han goes.
Cue expensive fight sequence using models.
Biggs:- Arrrrggghhhhhh, I don’t why I’m screaming, unless this is the re-release, no one has any idea who I am.
Obi Wan:- (clearly trying to put Luke of his shot) Luke, use the force Luke.
Darth Vader:- (over excited) Ooooh I’m gonna kill someone.
Han:- Yeeeeeeeeeeeha.
Darth Vader:- Bugger.
Vader goes spinning off in to space.
Han:- Blow the thing up then.
Big explosion as Luke blows up Death Star.
Cue big party.
Han:- (clearly chuffed) Told you I had a fast ship.
They all get lovely medals.

==Episode V==

George Lucas:- Hmmmm, Mark Hamil’s had a car crash between the two films, he now has scars on his face, I’ll have to fit them in to the plot, but how? I know!
A big yeti thing claws Luke across the face.
George Lucas:- (punching air) I AM a genius!
Luke uses dodgy special effect to escape creatures layer.
Obi Wan:- Luke, take one percent of the gross, one percent of the gross.
Luke:- What?
Obi Wan:- Uh, sorry I meant, go look for Yoda, go look for Yoda.
Han turns up and rescues Luke.
Cue big fight.
Tannoy Announcer:- Imperial troops have entered the base.
Rebels:- Shall we go then?
They run away.
Luke:- Here Yoda, come on boy, where are you?
Yoda does some trick involving lifting an x-wing out of a swamp.
Luke:- Nice.
Obi Wan:- Train him.
Yoda:- No, no, no, oh alright then.
Han:- (distraught) Me ship’s broke.
Han:- Lets go hide on this big asteroid.
Leia:- This isn’t an asteroid, it’s a big hairy monster.
Han:- I know, we’ll hide on the Star Destroyer.
They hide.
Boba Fett:- Hello. I’m going to follow these nice people.
They go to cloud city.
Lando:- Han my old buddy, I’m about to betray you.
He does.
Luke:- Ohhhh, my arthritis is playing up.
Yoda:- No Luke, that’s Darth Vader torturing your friends.
Luke:- Oh, I suppose I’d better go help them then.
He does.
Darth Vader:- Go on then, freeze him in Carbon.
Han is frozen in Carbon, thus mentally scaring an entire generation of young movie goers.
Luke:- You wanna fight?
Darth Vader:- Go on then.
They fight.
Darth Vader:- Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas Luke, I can feel your presence.
This pun is so bad Lukes hand drops off and fall down a big hole.
Darth Vader:- Oooooh, that looks nasty you’d better get it looked at. Uh, I mean, I am your farther.
Luke:- Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (you get the picture)
Luke jumps down a big hole.
Luke:- I saw this in the Flash Gordon film, its gotta work.
It does; Luke gets a new hand, they hatch a plan to rescue Han.

==Episode VI==

Jabba the Hut:- Huuuuuuhuuuhhuhuhu.
Luke:- Nice outfit Leia.
Luke:- She’s my sister? Bugger.
He is dropped in to the Rancor pit as punishment for his incestuous cravings. He kills the Rancor. They rescue Han. Leia kills Jabba.
They run away.
Yoda:- Oh, I seem to be dead.
Rebel Commander:- New Death Star yadda yadda yadda, Endor, Yadda Yadda Yadda, shuttle team.
Han:- I’ll do it.
Pilot:- But it’s certain death.
Han:- I thought I was volunteering to get the pizzas, bugger.
Ewokes:- So your plan is we mount a full frontal attack in which it is certain many of our people will die whilst you mess on doing relatively nothing? Sounds good to us.
Imperial Officer:- It’s a trap, ha, ha, ha.
Luke is sent to see the Emperor.
Palpatine:- Come over to the dark side.
Luke:- No.
Palpatine:- Please, go on, I’ll be your friend.
Luke:- No.
Palpatine does nasty things to Luke whilst firing the Death Star. Vader doesn’t like this and so throws Palpatine down a big hole.
Lando:- See I’m nice really.
He blows up the death star.
Darth Vader:- (Almost dead) Go without me. But first take my helmet off.
Luke:- No, no, no, oh go on then.
He takes of Vader’s helmet and throws up at the sight of what’s inside.
Darth Vader:- Now you see where you got your looks from.
Luke:- Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and so on).
Darth Vader:- Oh, seem to be dead.
Death Star blows up.
Big party on Endor.
Han:- So you going to shag Leia then?
Luke:- No, she’s my sister.
Han gives Luke a hackey look:- You kissed her.
Luke runs away in shame.
Luke:- I’m seeing dead people again, bugger.

==END==