Major Lohr Zadash reporting in for Wing IX of the ISD Relentless.

Well, it’s been an interesting time the past few weeks. With Colonel Miack Missing in Action, I have been selected to step up to the plate and fill the role as Wing IX CMDR. As some of you may know, I’m not a stranger to command positions, serving as commander of Hammer Squadron, helping it remain undefeated in the WCO competition during my time at her helm. I’ve served before as CMDR of this wing and later as this ship’s Commodore. But enough of what I’ve done, it’s time to let you know what I plan to do in the next few weeks and months ahead.

Morale will be improved and direction given and laid down. The emphasis on having fun will be a mantra of sorts. Of course everything is always tempered in reasonableness, but working hand in hand listening to each other this Wing could realize greatness and above all growth. I am certain everyone on board would love to see 50 members on the Wing’s roster. Not impossible. A new approach to and look at the ship standing orders. With perhaps the toughest set in the fleet we need to learn how to make these work for us. Trimming our ranks is good to weed out inactive members is all and good, but what could and can be done to prevent the situation from occurring in the first place. This needs to be and will be examined in the hours, days and weeks ahead with the goal of a zero turnover rate. Life in Wing is fun, our pilots right here at home may need some help to realize that.

My weekly reporting period from here on in will be from Friday to Saturday with a day grace period to prepare the report. The month is quickly closing down. Man it’s almost July already!

Squadron Commanders need to start thinking about and preparing their Month end reports and Evaluations. Pilots need to contact their CMDR’s about their activity for the month.

Colonel Doyon after serving as CMDR of Crossbow Squadron for the past few months, has stepped down from what I presume the pressures of real life. Hey it happens to the best of us. Doyon, if you’re reading this, remember my friend that to serve amongst those of the ninth in ANY capacity is an honor in itself. Please remember that. Any failure that is perceived on your part, should be stored away for another day when time permits and you can and I am sure of this, show us the flamboyant leader that lies inside. Till that day graces us, we remain confidently yours, the Fighting Ninth who never leave our fallen comrades behind, but strengthen them for the road ahead.

Several Squadrons in the Wing have and are currently involved in external competitions. As soon as I have all the results from those, I will post those.

LCM Tycho has returned from leave boasting about his exploits at Risa the local pleasure planet. A new book titled “101 ways to attract women” is said to be in the works.

CPT Tiger found in airlock beaten and begging to be let back into Hammer Squadron .

CM Steve Sunrider beats an AWOL Rap.

COL Miack is still missing, but at this point all search parties have been called of and a bag of moldy sandwiches have been left in the mess hall to remember him by. Err…wait isn’t that Renoshi’s bag lunch from last week?

In other news we have a new and somewhat of a Beta release feature for this weeks Wing report.

It discusses a time when the Relentless was quite a bit rougher around the edges. The author has done his very best to keep this as clean as possible. Any thoughts comments on this feature would be greatly appreciated. You can send me these ‘brain farts’ anytime day or night here.

Well here it is, this weeks feature.

Hanger Stories with Colonel Dan Malaktos

This week:  Zadash and Malaktos... where did it all start?

"I just don't get it, the two of them are so much alike, they should be best friends, but instead, they're so much alike, they bounce right off of eachother."  ---V. G. Ricaud

Today, we take a journey through time, back to the year of 2000.  2000, when people thought bell bottoms were going back in style, and discos were popping up across the world.  Sure, when we look back, we can see how stupid that was.  Disco's dead.  Don't even talk to me about it.  

Anyway, Malaktos was Commander of Dagger Squadron, and things were going great.  Everyone was doing his bidding, people actually respected him(idiots, haha.).  Then, one day, he decided to read some email sent to him by his superiors(he trie to do that every now and then), and read about Iota Squadron wishing to transfer to the Relentless as Hammer Squadron, with a Captain Lohr Zadash in command.  Fearing for his iron grip on the Relentless, Malaktos spoke out against such a transfer.  But, alas, the other Commanders(bunch of communists) thought it was a good idea.  So, Hammer Squadron was reborn, and Malaktos gave this Captain Zadash an email welcoming him to the fleet, and gave him a fruit basket.  He gave Dan nothing but trouble.  First, he started with the devious "I'll be nice to Dan" approach, then he moved on to the "I'll speak to Dan in private approach," then moved on to the "rubber is a highly over-rated material" approach, and finally, the "Holy crap, Dan's on the floor!  Where's his pants?!  I didn't see anything, someone get help!" approach.  And that's when things started to get out of control.

Soon, Malaktos was found more and more often without pants.  Sometimes he was unconscious, and sometimes he was hitting on the various female pilots in the wing, but the fact of the matter remained:  Something had to be done about Major Malaktos' fascination with his own leg hair.  Soon, things started to vanish from Zadash's locker.  Then, various signs were attached to his back with powerful adhesive.  Signs reading derrogatory terminology like "Kick me."  or "Kick me please."  But, by far, the sign to most frequently inhabit Major Zadash's back was "If you kick me, I'll give you five credits, but you have to kick me below my belt and above my lower appendages.  If you kick me while I am facing you, I will give you ten credits."

Soon, signs started appearing on Malaktos' back.  Signs like "my mother is a wookiee."  and "I am quite sure my mother is a wookiee."  Then, later, the signs got worse.  Without feeling in his pelvic region, Lohr had no distractions, and his resolve was doubled.  Signs appeared with even larger and more devious insults.  Signs like "I am quite sure my mother is a wookiee, since she sends me holo-mail movies of her sitting and breathing, and while it doesn't prove she is my mother, it deffinately proves I know a wookiee."

This psychological warfare was too much for young Malaktos.  He found a cushy job on the DREAD Tranquility, as the Lord Ambassador of the Emperor's Hammer.  As he left the Relentless, he stated:  "This psychological warfare is too much for me."

Subsequently, the Relentless was quiet for some months, and it would seem that Lohr was the victor in this war of kicking and wookiees, but ironically, no wookiees were kicked.

However, recently, it would seem that Zadash's efforts were in vain, as Malaktos has returned, and this time, he made sure to bring ample supplies of rubber-like material.


~~~Colonel Dan Malaktos

Editors note: You see how strange this guy is? Is it any wonder I was a little wary of this guy? :P I like nostalgia like the next guy but remembering Dan and his monopoly on the “rubber” market just doesn’t bring back good memories. Hell the entire propagation schedule of a couple star systems was thrown out of wack causing severe chaos. Anyways till next time….

Hammer – 125

Spear – 53

Crossbow – 33

Shield – 26

Sword – 22

I realize that the totals here do not at this time reflect a complete and up to date summary of activity pertaining to the WCO Competition for this month. The above totals are gathered from the information I have on hand at the moment. Squadron CMDR’s, I would appreciate if you could send me any confirmations of IWATS tests and Multiplayer victories for yourself and/or your pilots. As well if you have any BSF conformations e-mails for the above dated from the 1^st to the 7^th of this month, please send those along as well in an e-mail as an attachment. As well before I forget, all external competitions and results that your squadron has taken part in this month should be sent to me. I need this info ASAP. Thank you.

Hammer Squadron – With the recent taste of defeat in mouths of the resident Spec OPS squadron, their CMDR Major “Jar Jar” Jaruus has vowed to pull the squadron up by it’s boot straps and or, garter belts to return to the flat faced and polished look that is one and only Hammer squadron. Hammer is looking very strong this month in the flying department with half the squadron putting in the bulk of the pilot files so far. To be noted though all pilots available have been flying and that is to be commended. Watch out for all 6 members of Hammer, it looks like they want that WCO plaque back.

Spear Squadron – With 5 members holds the average member count in the squadrons that populate Wing IX at the moment. Captain Neko likes to lead from the front and he certainly has been setting an example for his squadron this month with 31 points for his squadron. Commander Steve Sunrider, number 6714 in your programs but number 1 in your hearts, was thought to be SOL when it AWOL time has turned up and from the looks of things, rough, tough and ready to fight in the spirit of the “Ninth” amassing a total of 20 points for his squadron. How much more will Spear squadron be able to must to really ‘stick its opponents in this month’s WCO competition? Time will tell I’m sure!

Crossbow Squadron – Lieutenant Commander Rejili “Demon Yoda” Holthaus seems to be the only person flying in Crossbow this month. A little Lieutenant who goes by the name Zadash seems to have done some IWATS courses before turning out to be the Wing Commander in disguise. With the resignation of their Squadron CMDR, appointed acting CMDR Colonel Daniel Mal-“LaCky”-toes has vowed to make all Crossbow pilots eat their e-mail clients and stand on their head chanting Mea Culpa. The next leader of Crossbow will be appointed very soon so that Crossbow’s path to glory can be fully realized.

Shield Squadron – LCM Renoshi “The dollhouse burner” Bespin and his CMDR MAJ “I ain’t no beach bum” Powerslave seem to be the only ones doing any flying this month. Perhaps the current holders of the WCO title, fell asleep after their valiant effort last month? Maybe maybe not, it’s not over till the fat lady sings, and I ain’t seen no fat ladies hanging around, except for maybe Krax’s mother-in-law and well… We’re just gonna forget that I said all that :P

Shield is a strong squadron in the communication department, if they’re reading this I’m sure that they have something in mind already to keep that title right where it belongs, in the quarters of Shield Squadron!

Sword Squadron – Finally and not least, Sword boasts the smallest complement of pilots on board but at the same time boasts the 2^nd highest number of actively flying pilots in the Wing. It doesn’t need any saying that the dynasty that was Sword squadron isn’t what is once was and that she needs fresh faces off Daedalus. The members of Sword squadron need to focus on recruitment and as well solicit the help of the rest of the Wing to bolster and strengthen their presence on board this ship. I commend the members of Sword who remain active despite what most likely is a discouraging time for the squadron. Keep the chin up and keep on fighting!

The Wing – Colonel Miack didn’t do us a service by disappearing like he did and well cleaning up the result won’t be fun and at times pretty either, but with the assistance from all on board, the process should be as quick and painless as humanly possible. Conversion from TIE to XWA status continues and the amount that the newly designated platform is being flown has risen considerably. The Wing needs a morale boost and a clearly defined direction for the days ahead. Squadron CMDRs can expect me to be like the plaque when it comes to questions about the health and current status of their squadrons. Dedication is needed now more than ever. At the same time emphasis will be put on helping people who aren’t so active find that groove called “fun” again. Sure it’ll take hours and days of time from officers committed to the task but hey, that’s what they signed on for, right?

Time for the numbers and other news for the Wing.

I do not have much information at this time.

CM Neko to Captain W.E.F 06.12.2002

CPT Powerslave to Major W.E.F 06.12.2002

CMDR/MAJ Jaruus/Hammer: Iron Star - Bronze Wings W.E.F 6.25.2002

Reason: Top score in Eta vs Hammer Competition

Sword - 3
Dagger - 0
Crossbow - 4
Spear - 5
Hammer - 6
Shield - 5
Total: 23

Submitted by,

WC/MAJ Lohr Zadash/Wing IX/ISD Relentless