Copperhead Squadron
Report #4
10.7.2001 - CPT Julian Clary
Copperhead Squadron Report 4
From the Desk of CPT Julian "Tom" Clary
FLEET NEWS
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1. BUNCH OF NEW POSITIONS ANNOUNCED
In the past month a whole bunch of new positions has been announced. These positions are as follows:
Vanguard COM: RA Zippy Hawk
Vanguard WC: MAJ Bevel Leeson
Whole bunch of Vanguard CMDR positions
War Officer: VA Pel
Bacon Officer: CPT Julian "Tom" Clary (That me!)
And last, but not least: Intrepid COM: RA "Purple Cookie Monster o' death who was also a mascot for McDonalds" Brakka
2. COO/AD WET WILLY STEPS DOWN
Combat Operations Officer AD Wet Willy has stepped down from his position to a CMDR position on Wing V. LT Brucmark is supposed to be his successor. Congrats to him.
3. TOKEN EXECUTIVE OFFICE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
The Executive Officer is looking for some officers to fill the positions of CA:XO and XOA. The requirements are as follows:
XOA -
* Must know how to use Macromedia Dreamweaver and know how to speak proper English fluently (and include a sample document of a large EH report or part of a school paper or something similar in HTML format...add some colors and random pictures to demonstrate HTML skills).
* Must be able to devote ~5 hours of time every first of the week to compile NL submissions.
(Advancement to CA:XO may happen!)
CA:XO
Uh...There weren't any listed requirements for this. Check out Kawolski.com or something.
4. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
New PREX and CHS announced. And there was much scratching of heads.
5. TOKEN COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
COMMA sought. Go apply...or not.
WING NEWS
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1. NEW COPPERHEAD COMMANDER
Some weirdo got Copperhead Commander or something. Go him! And there was much rejoicing.
2. BRAKKA NEW INTREPID COM, ASP COMMANDER SOUGHT
Brakka has been announced as the new Intrepid Commadore, congrats to the Purple Monster. As such a new Asp squadron commander is being sought, send your applications to Dengar and Brakka.
3. RESULTS OF ASF:SCIII AND IAC!
The title to this news item was a bit misleading because the ASF:SCIII results have yet to be announced, but well done to those who took part (especially LCM Doros of Cobra squadron who rose an incredible 700-800 FCHG points. Congrats!) But I do have the results of the IAC competition! So here goes:
1st Placed Pilot: LCM Doros
2nd Placed Pilot: LT Rekio
Best Squadron: Asp Squadron
Now, Copperhead finished in last place. Possibly because we didn't have a squadron commander, but I'm not going to make any excuses. Hopefully next time we can perform better.
4. WING MEETING TODAY
Wing Meeting Today at 2 EST (7GMT) on IRC (#wingxiv). Go attend it sounds important.
5. WING WEBPAGE IS COMING ALONG
Me and CM Nightmare of Krayt are both working on the Wing Webpage, I'll let you know when it's near completion. To view the splash page go to http://isd-intrepid.org
SQUADRON NEWS
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1. IWATS 10K IS OVER LUSANKYA GOT 10K
IWATS has finally passed over 10,000 graduates, and the pilot who got 10k was none other than FL/MAJ Lusankya, who gets an IS:PR for his troubles. I am jealous, as I was saving up all my IWATS-taking powers until there were about 9,995 or something.
2. MISC. STUFF
Sinar Reelin has finally got his promotion to Lieutenant and Machinari has been awarded a Commendation of Bravery. Congratulations!
3.YOUR NEWS HERE FOR JUST $5!
Yes! You too can have a Copperhead News item for just $5! This bargain of a lifetime also includes a Free Copperhead Squadron pen! Your business/squadron/stuff will Increase Productivity by up to 500% Yes, thats right 500% so don't delay Call Today! (Hey, it was worth a try :P)
MORALE OFFICER REPORT
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"Hello it's m337 w4900n here isn't it? I'm the morale officer aren't I? Despite there being a change of commanders, Tom let my and my tank stay here isn't it? Anyway, this week Tom asked me to do a review a bad film, which me and me dad could make better, I decided to do a review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, but I got mixed up and wrote about something completely different...The Counter-Strike Baby..."
A NEW THREAT! THE COUNTER-STRIKE BABY
It's no surprise that the media likes scaring the unholy crap out of us; fear and terror sell newspapers. If there was some way for the press to bribe an asteroid into colliding with the Earth, they'd instantly ship bales of cash into space to exclusively cover the event.
"ASTEROID ARMAGEDDON 2001 - ONGOING COVERAGE" would be splashed across headlines throughout America, with evening television news corespondents informing us that our children should add "getting blown up by an asteroid" to their list of things to constantly worry about, joining "drugs, school shootings, shark attacks, paint fumes, asbestos, robot zombies, and the Code Red computer virus." I can just imagine the news now...
ANCHORMAN: "In a late-breaking news item today, scientists have revealed that a humongous asteroid is scheduled to slam into the Earth and vaporize a good majority of us, the survivors being doomed to roam across a bleak wasteland of pain and destruction. Is your county one that will be consumed by the hellish inferno of doom? Will your electricity bill increase accordingly? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions and scheduled school closings after this important message." (Cuts to commercial)
The media feeds off prolonging misery and human suffering so they may capture viewers for as long as possible, pulling in fantastic ratings and advertising dollars throughout the ride. One of the biggest media scams that was run during the 1980's was the horrifying crack baby scare. Does everybody remember that lame fiasco? The news media spent day after day convincing us that the biggest threat to American society (besides Gary Hart and rap music) was the emergence of a deadly new demographic, the crack baby. Unlike the implied name, the crack baby wasn't in fact a baby that was addicted to crack, but the media found it difficult to get the phrase "baby of a mother who is addicted to crack" to really catch on. The term "crack baby" ended up winning the contest over such notable entries as:
"Stupid baby"
"Yes officer, that's him"
"Second-hand crack user"
"Scary minority"
"UGO employee" (the term is still true, however UGO didn't exist back in the 1980's and as a result, nobody knew what they were talking about)
As it turns out, nothing ever happened with these so-called crack babies. They didn't turn into a group of bloodthirsty serial killers bent on implementing their brutal reign of terror. They just grew up to be regular kids, albeit ones with much smaller heads and parents who spent all day scratching their eyes out with roofing nails. The media brewed up the entire crack baby line of bullshit simply to sell newspapers, ad spots, and raw fear to the American public. It worked up until the early 1990's when everybody forgot about crack babies and decided to get worried about school violence and Kurt Cobain. Despite a complete lack of scientific proof, the media was able to brainwash an entire culture for a good half decade. Now it's the year 2001 (I think) and it's time for a new threat to Americans all across America and surrounding non-American countries. Since I, like the media, lack any scientific backing whatsoever, let me be the first to announce the current upcoming enemy of our civilized society: The Counter-Strike baby.
The process of growing up and supposedly "maturing" in a Counter-Strike environment has been scientifically proven to damage children's brain cells and developmental qualities. I believe the Counter-Strike baby poses a dire threat to our fundamental way of living and societal structure as a whole. These kids spend all day playing Counter-Strike, learning destructive habits while exposing themselves to a harmful environment which supports negative behavior. If participants of the game Counter-Strike are not medically treated at once, I believe our future society will suffer from the following downfalls:
1) The total disintegration of teamwork. Counter-Strike players are notorious for lacking the ability to follow simple instructions and adhere to a teamwork-based strategy, even when it is obviously required and critical to success. This will result in the following simulated events:
JIFFY-LUBE EMPLOYEE #1: (Working on a car) "Hey Jiffy-Lube Employee #2, could you please hand me a wrench?"
JIFFY-LUBE EMPLOYEE #2: (In another room, running face-first into a wall and randomly jumping)
JIFFY-LUBE EMPLOYEE #1: "Hey, come on! Where are you at? Get over here, I need help."
JIFFY-LUBE EMPLOYEE #2: (Outside shop, staring straight down and running in circles)
2) The complete destruction of the English language. The Counter-Strike culture is based on an incomprehensible ball of Internet shorthand, profanities, and one-liners. It's like somebody took English, threw it into a blender, and then tossed that blender into an even larger blender, one which then blew up and injured the surrounding engineering team. The restaurants of the future will be forced to feature illegible menus that cater to these Counter-Strike babies, adversely effecting the rest of us:
WTF!!! TEH CAMPIN LAMA RESTARANT/ MEUNU: DINNAR: WTF!!!
HAMBuRGR..... $5
COKA_COLA....2
FRENCH FIRES.... #1.50!!!!!!!!!!
NO CRAPTGG NO SHOES NO SERVAICE ! WTF!!! U FUHDdsFKER/// IF U DONT LIKE OUR RULEZ U CAN GO SUK AN ASS U FAG
15 PRECENT GRADUATIAN INCLUDED!!! WTF1111!!!!A
3) A society populated by individuals who are self-professed masters of knowledge in fields they have no practical experience. Counter-Strike players have been scientifically proven to spend 96% of their day posting forum messages stating their views on popular firearms, despite the fact that their knowledge of these weapons comes directly from what they've seen in Anime or read on their clan webpage. This will undoubtedly lead to a culture where individuals are encouraged to speak in-depth on subjects they know nothing about, leading to dangerous consequences.
MAN: "Doctor, I really need help. I've been vomiting brown jelly for the past three days and I think I found a key internal organ of mine floating around in the toilet this morning. What do you think is wrong with me?"
DOCTOR: "HAW HAW HAW YOU SUCK!!! TAKE SOME NUPRIN YOU FAG!!!"
MAN: "But Doctor, that's what you said when I came here last time. It didn't help at all!"
DOCTOR: "YOU WUSS!"
MAN: "Doctor, why are you talking to me in all capital letters?"
DOCTOR: (Outside office, staring straight down and running in circles)
So, as you can see, the Counter-Strike baby phenomenon is a dire threat to our way of life as we know it. I propose the media spend the next half-decade covering this chilling and terrifying gob of fake science so the American public will be made aware the effects of Counter-Strike on our children. After five years we can pretty much forget about the whole thing and continue worrying about stuff that really matters, like "Dungeons and Dragons" forcing teenagers to jump off buildings.
MISC. NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ap/20011006/us/burger_king_burns.html - Several of Burger King's Marketing staff tried to walk over some hot coals in a meeting to promote "Team work" About a dozen employees had to go to hospital, suffering from first and second degree burns. Har har :P.
ACTIVITY
CPT Julian "Tom" Clary
* Wrote this report
* Sent some email out (ph33r my activity!)
LT Viet
* Completed TC-XvT 2
* Did some graphics which got graphics of the week in the wing report (attached)
* Participated in EuroComp
* In contact over email and IRC
MAJ Lusankya
* Completed IWATS AIM (100%). Was the 10,000th IWATS graduate. Was awarded an IS-PR.
* Completed IWATS ICQ (100%)
* Completed TC-XvT 7
LT Sinar Reelin
* Did some missions, still trying to work the problems out
* In constant contact over email
LCM Machinari
* In contact over email
LT Krennon
* In contact over IRC
Site of the week: http://www.flyingrods.com/indexfl.asp
You get to take pictures of flying bacon! What more could you ask for?!