Logistics
UPDATEComments:
During the past month we (the Logistics Office Assistant, the Logistics Office CA and myself) have been setting up a Fleet wide survey. By the time you read this, this should either already be out, or just about to be released.
Please take the time to fill it out, before the deadline (this will be stated in the survey file you'll/have already receive/received). This will not only benefit the Fleet as a whole, but also indirectly yourselves, since you are part of the Fleet.
There are also added benefits such as medals
JIf you have any questions on the survey please feel free to contact myself (
brettinc@icon.co.za)I'd also like to take the time to congratulate the COMs, WCs, and BG COMs of the Fleet for getting out all Fleet Communiques in a timely manner. Especially the WCs. Thanks everyone and keep up the good work. Remember, it is standard to receive a Fleet Communque within 2 days, if you do not please contact the LO (me) with the names and E-mails of your 2 superior officers.
Keep a look out for the uploading of the LO section, it should be out within a couple of days of the NL.
Respectfully submitted,
LO/FA Brett/CS-11/SSSD Sov [IC] [GOE] [SS] [MoT -gh (2)], Lancer ret., MST ret.
Logistics Officer of the Emperor's Hammer,
Fleet Admiral Brett
Gentlemen of the Command Staff of the Emperor's Hammer Strike Fleet,
As the Chief Supervisor of the Accounting Department of the Logistics
Office in charge of collecting, filing, and reporting on the expenses
made by the officers of the fleet, Grand Admiral Ronin has felt it
necessary for me to bring to everyone's attention his definition of
"expense report": An expense report is an itemization of legitimate
fleet related expenses, to be submitted to the Accounting Department for
the purpose of recompensation. You may notice that the Grand Admiral did
not include the word "extravagant" in that definition, nor even the word
"entertainment." And he most certainly did not use the word "farm
animals."
The reason I feel the need to clarify this matter is because of some
recent expense report abuse that has been brought to my attention via my
fellow workers in the Accounting Department. To cite some examples from
the week of July 15th alone:
1. A $25,00 bar tab at Uncle Biffy's Booze Banquet. Nothing new.
2. A $3,000 life-sized rabbit made out pure gold, from the melted
fillings of New Republic prisoners of war held on Setii IV, as charged
by the Recon Office. We'd really like to know what this was purchased
for, and what use it is being put used to.
3. Several items from the Adam & Eve catalog, cited as "anti-stress
instruments". Total: $1,087.
4. A $40,000 Oldsmobile Aurora, fully loaded. For one, Grand Admiral
Ronin is appalled and enraged that Fleet Admiral Blake would have the
audacity to charge the car to the fleet, and then try to pass it off by
parking it in the Grand Admiral's parking space. Such behavior is
inexcusable, and will not be tolerated by any officer of the Emperor's
Hammer, regardless of stature, eminence, rank, or position.
By the way, congratulations to the Security Officer from the Logistics
Accounting Department, on his new MoH!
5. A $24.95 subscription to Big Black Booty magazine. The Grand Admiral
will allow this only if it's put in the fleet circulation pile, and his
name is first on the list.
6. A $1,000 wombat. This thing is starting to frighten the troops.
7. A leather collar imported from the slave workers on Hagran IV,
complete with rare studs crafted from the Javink ruby right before the
Daf'Telik monarchy was overthrown in the Geedon Revolution. Signed off
as "Gift for the Spunky, the Golden Bunny, on his 1st Birthday!"
$4,280.72.
8. A pack of dentyne. $0.65.
Frankly, we cannot tolerate further depletion of the fleet funds; right
now, we're on the brink of bankruptcy. As Grand Admiral Ronin put it,
"Do those toe-suckers think it's simple to take care of some 4,000
no-life flight sim freaks?!" I don't think I need to be one to tell you
gentlemen that it's not. Many young Colombian men and women risk their
lives every summer, braving sharks, whirlpools, gulls, the Coast Guard,
cupcakes, coatimundis, flying squirrels, pumas, colobus monkeys, Welsh
mountain ponies, and a range of venereal diseases to bring us the washed
money we use to oil up our military machine. And, sadly, the "EH
Benefactors" plan isn't working out the way was planned to. Many people
resent wanting to be a Citizen yet not being able to spare five bucks
for that status, sometimes because they're parents won't let them, or
because they're having to save up for something of a much more dire
consequence, or possibly because they're just broke-ass. In order to
resolve this problem, I suggest the following system be implemented:
1. $1.00 -- Illegal Immigrant
2. $0.50 -- Scared Tourist
3. $0.25 -- Dog Licker
4. $0.10 -- Dung Beetle/Tick/Tapeworm
5. $0.05 -- Insect Feces
5. $0.1 -- Not Fit to Live, You Cheap Scumbag
While morale may face a sharp decrease, we'll be rich dawgs. So many
people out there are without identity, they wouldn't mind chipping in a
measly Mr. Jefferson to be at least considered something -- whether it
be the excrement of a ladybug or whatever.
Speaking of the "EH Benefactor" situation, we have even more problems
with those who did contribute money and feel entitled to some other
benefit besides a title. We have done our best to explain to them that
simply because they contributed $20 and are now a "Patroon", that we
cannot hand over large tracts of land from New York, especially since
the Dutch haven't had a colony there for quite some time. Patroon Todd
Patrick has become especially vehement about this, handing out threats
that "we'll never know what swallowed us, as we churn and compose inside
his colon as practiced acids eat away our flesh and slowly digest us".
While I do not know if he is sincere, I would give him some merit -- the
late Mr. Alvin Piddlebunker, a.k.a. Todd Patrick's Lunch circa 12:01
p.m., May 6th, 1991 is a constant reminder of this.
There has also been some issues with the most recent and generous
contribution of $2,000 dollars from Mr. Nathan Poindexter ("Big Funky
Bastard") and his "crew", the Natural Born Killaz. We made him aware of
his new "Lord Chamberlain" status, and replied with a long manifesto
(please see "Re: The Fly Bitches" in your Mailbox) concerning the
procurement of a concubine or harem of sorts, one which we were not able
to provide with, since the last concubine left after the nasty incident
with Fleet Commander Threat and the intrusion of the Thousand Dollar
Wombat. Still, Mr. Bastard has made it clear that he will come over to
our houses "and get Hong Kong on our sorry asses if we don't put the
hoes down for his pimp up". Needless to say, Fleet Admiral Blake has
already assured us that our protection is all an all-time high.
This concludes the New Expense Report Policy report, and I shall now
return to my desk and come up with a dozen more pieces of bureaucratic
paperwork to spread around. Peace out.
Signed,
Herbert Kornfeld
Chief of the Accounting Department, Logistics Office