A Sane Tau Story

by: BG Dev

As BG Dev got off the transport from the Sovereign, he was curious as to what his new squadron would be like. He had heard the rumors about Tau, but it couldn't be as crazy as he had heard. Little did he know....

The 'Sick Fight' of Deathwatch and Crona was seen by Dev, scaring him badly. As he saw Crona running around with pink eye implants, he figured he had a little too much of that Jack Daniels last night...

Then he saw Crona running around gathering portable latrines for some reason he couldn't understand until he saw Deathwatch being dragged away. He went down to the hangar to see what was happening, and saw the new pilot, Pappy. His first words to Pappy were "Run! Leave while you can!"

"Wi wuld I wunt te da thut?" Pappy asked with a classic speech impediment.

"Because Tau Squadron is totally insane, that's why!"

"Whut do ya mene?"

"They tatto each other pink, give each other optic implants, send each other to Myrkyr to clean latrines, etc."

"Litrines! I donnt want no stinkin litrines!"

"I know, and they burn your hand off if you touch them too! Also.." Dev's recounting of strange Tau customs was cut short as he saw Deathwatch come forward bearing an old toothbrush and a glass of dirty water!

"Nooooooooooooooo!!! Run Pappy, run for your life!" Dev yelled, pushing Pappy in the general direction of the door.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dev watched the latrine carefully. He had been ordered to supervise the cleaning of latrines because he had warned the new pilot. He WOULD get revenge on Deathwatch and Crona for this! From down the hall he heard a scream, and shuddered slightly, picturing that unlucky person with a steaming stump instead of a hand now. He saw the medics run down to aid BG Lasher, but the pilot was fine (Besides the fact that he had latrine-phobia), but still, the pilot had to keep cleaning till Deathwatch said he could stop. Shaking his head, and looking longingly at the transport due to take off soon, knowing the Avenger could blast him before he got to hyperspace. Just then an idea came into him that almost knocked him over! He snuck into Crona's quarters and considered. He went over to Crona's lightsaber and adjusted a few knobs before sneaking out again.... Next, he slid into Deathwatches room and looked at his comb, a slow smile spreading on his face as he pictured Deathwatch's meticulous attention to his looks and hair....

The next day, Deathwatch and Crona were practicing in the exercise room of the Avenger when they decided to mock-duel each other with lightsabers. Deathwatch ignited his lightsaber, and Crona did the same, but all was not right... Crona's lightsaber blade was pink!!! Seeing the shocked look on Crona's face, Deathwatch fell laughing on the ground, but when he recovered, he stood, and seeing Ainsley, began to comb his hair stylishly. The whole room burst out laughing again, for Deathwatch's hair was turning pink wherever the brush touched! With a yell, both men ran from the room, each thinking the other had sabotaged them. Dev, sitting in a shadowed corner, laughed slightly as part I of his revenge was fulfilled... Next, he went back in there rooms, and set a small object on a flat surface in each of their rooms and a small object on a wall. Soon, he was viewing a tape with hilarity, and feeling it would be brotherly of him to share, stepped over to his terminal. Slicing into the Avenger database was simple, and soon he was set up with full access. He sliced into the Entertainment & Viewing Area of the Avenger, and loaded a little movie of his, and set it to loop forever, also removing Deathwatch and Crona from the userlist so they could not disturb it. Finished with his work, Dev erased himself and all signs of his presence, becoming a normal pilot (or as normal as someone in Tau can be) again. "Revenge certainly is sweet, and it does taste good cold.", he thought, leaning back in a easy chair. Tapes of Crona and Deathwatch breaking into each others room and sabotaging something of the others were being displayed all over the Avenger, and a copy mailed to all the COs of the EH as well as the GM of the Dark Brotherhood. Of course, that was not the best part. The best part was the small thing on each of their wall extended as one of them was looking the other way, and they both yelled loudly as it hit them in the rear. The fine quality camera zoomed in on the pink tattoo on each of their backsides as Dev heard the laughing all over the Avenger.

Just another sane day as a member of Tau.