Wing IX
Report #31
8.9.2005 - COL Rejili Holthaus
Wing IX Report #31 From the desk of Colonel Rejili Holthaus...
FLEET NEWS
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1. WEEKLY NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK THAT'S COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL AND UNIMPORTANT BUT IT HELPS FILL UP A REPORT
ISV seems to be coming to and end, with no mention of us. Did we lose? What happened? The world may never know...
2. TOKEN TACTICAL OFFICE NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE WE ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM
We don't, lets face it :P
3. CHAL COM APPOINTED
After LCM Prost was accidently made (a very fine) Commodore of the ISD Challenge, the real COM, RA Maverick, was appointed. Yay him.
WING NEWS
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1. LA'AN BECOMES VANGAURD COM
Congrats to the (once again) Rear Admiral La'an. He's a damn good COM, and if he didn't have to be on the Vangaurd to do it, I'm be really happy for him :P Anyway, this of course means the position of Shield CMDR is open, which brings us to point #2...
2. NEW SHIELD CMDR
No apps this time, I've directly appointed CM Fahrer as the new Shield CMDR. He has been waiting patiently turn after turn for his chance to command a squadron, and his number has finally come up. I have complete confidence in his abilities, and look forward to Shield once againing becoming the WC's own ;)
Also, huge HUGE thank-you to CM Aragorn, who filled in as A:CMDR very natuarally, and did as good a job as I would have expected from a full-time CMDR. He's definetely earned some application points for the next open position!
3. WING COMPS
The Shuttle comp IS STILL running, although we have some timing changes on the final rounds.
Winners from the last rounds are:
Mission Creation - IS-SR to COL Mosh, no IS-BR awarded
Mosh, if you'll go ahead and send your mission over the email list, we'll run the HS and low score comp which will be due by 16 Aug.
Run-on - La'an wins the IS-SR, Aragorn gets the IS-BR. A real sweep by Shield!
-Remember MP match ladder is still up, most reported victories for the month wins.
-Fly for the custom mission HS comp
-Most SP from the 7th to the 16th also wins an IS-BR
-Email Trivia to come.
CMDRs remember to refer to WWR #29 to see what earns bonus points, and report all bonus points to me by 16 Aug.
Standings so far are:
Crossbow: 2
Shield: 4
Hammer: 2
Sword: 0
4. UNIFORM AUDIT
Crossbow Wins!!!
5. COLS
All recs are in, and soon you'll all know who won!
6. FREE WEB HOSTING
Mell has agreed to give all our squadrons free hosting on tcbg.net. CMDRs who have not yet contacted me about this, please do so. Also, remember that you may have to bug Mell a little bit, he's been kinda slow to reply to things lately :P
7. WEEKLY ACTIVITY
I want to see stuff I can submit to the EH newsletter to promote Wing IX. Each submission get's you a medal in and of itself, plus I'll offer ISM/PC if you send me enough stuff to merit it. This is something easy to do, the newsletter will publish just about anything, so let's get out there and make ourselves known.
8. ATTENTION FMs AND FLs!
I noticed on this round of MSEs that some pilots didn't have all their activity accounted for. Your CMDR keeps track of activity, but you can't expect them to know every little thing you do. When I start saying it's MSE time, I want you guys to send a report of your activity for the month to your CMDRs. This is more for you then for me, because if you tell us things that you've done which we haven't recorded, you're more likely to get better medals and rewards.
9. DRINK OF THE WEEK
Straight from the bar of the Stardrifter Lounge, and personally tested and approved by Colonel Rejili Holthaus, this week's serving suggestion ...
SEX ON MY FACE
Ingredients:
1/2 oz Yukon Jack
1/2 oz Malibu rum
1/2 oz Southern Comfort
1/2 oz Banana liqueur
splash Cranberry juice
splash Pineapple juice
splash Orange juice
Mixing instructions:
Mix in tall glass with ice.
THE WING IX MORALE OFFICE
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A Rant from the Desk of Colonel Steve the Cricket Bat ...
This is the funniest thing I have ever read. If you don't read this, you suck, and aren't a true Wing IXer.
I seriously laughed so hard reading this at work that my boss asked if I needed medical leave. So here, reprinted completely without the knowledge and permission of the intelectual owner, is The Embassy Suites Story.... (see www.tuckermax.com for the stuff before and after this incident. Also, the stupid names like slingblade and el bingeroso are the people in the story, with their names changed to protect them from utter shame).
...I hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there.
A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy."
I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises.
THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET!
Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours.
I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not.
I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby.
It is hard to describe, so let me give you an aerial picture of what the lobby looks like:
I turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life.
I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor.
I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants:
Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"
Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles."
Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh
DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?"
Janitor "AYA, AYA!"
She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby.
I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint.
I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement.
Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this:
-20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag.
-30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
-40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together.
-50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears.
By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it.
I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers.
I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes.
During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds.
By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place.
Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?"
My question is immediately answered.
I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor.
Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries.
Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation.
I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator.
From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere.
Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn't going to be me.
When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out,
SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?"
Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!"
He couldn"t stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out:
"This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!"
Col. Steve the Cricket Bat
http://www.tuckermax.com
ACTIVITY
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192 mission(s) flown - :)
2 IWAT(S) passed
1 Competitions Processed
6 MP mathces
POSTINGS AND PROMOTIONS
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CM Fahrer promoted to Shield CMDR
AWARDS
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Squadron of the Week: Crossbow - winning the uniform audit!
Pilot of the Week: CPT Hermann, with 98% of total wing activity
2x ISM to LT Three Winged Turkey
LoA to CM Fahrer
COMPETITIONS
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WC's new shuttle Comp
STANDING ORDERS
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-ALL MEMBERS-
Contact
All members are expected to remain active. Firstly, all members of the Wing will make contact with their direct superior whenever possible. However, a period of longer than a fortnight without contact and a declared LoA will result in the start of the AWOL timer. A further 3 weeks without contact will lead to transfer to the RSV's. All such contact must be made by e-mail, to allow easy tracking of contact. This is the very bare minimum to be considered active in Wing IX. This contact should be made regardless of whether a pilot flies every day, or merely checks his/her e-mails every week
If you intend to be off of the internet for more then (5) days, email your Commander and let him or her know as a common courtesy. If you are taking a Leave of Abscense more then ten (10) days, notify your Commander -AND- the Wing Commander via email.
Activity
I view activity as essential to the continued wellbeing of this ship, and a requirement of every one of you. Forms of official activity are listed below.
Flying This is an XWA Vessel, but all platforms constitute flight activity
MP Freeworlds, and other MP Platforms will be recognised as long as evidence is provided
MB All posts count as activity, as long as they are made on official EH boards
E-Mail Contact with CMDR's on a daily-fortnightly basis is a prerequisite, and the minimum activity required
Uniform Update Not frequent, but clearly shows a pilot has been active in editing their uniform
Competitions Expected from every pilot, participation in competitions is essential
IRC/MSN Counts as contact with CMDR and upwards
IWATS Obviously activity
Miscellaneous Graphics, fictions, newsletter submissions etc. All count as activity
All these cover a wide range of activities, each with its own time and skill requirements. However, they all count toward activity the more of these you are involved in, the more active you are reflected in MSE's and the continued existence of the ISD Relentless.
-COMPETITIONS-
-Any pilot of the Wing may personally submit comps as Squad or Wing comps, to include on their personal record, providing that:
--If a squad comp, the CMDR is notified and approves.
--If a Wing Comp, the WC is notified and approves.
-Also, the pilot must clearly indicate in the submission form whether the medal TBA will be an IS-BR (all squad comps) or an IS-SR (all wing comps). Flying comps should use IS-BW's and IS-SW's.
-TRANSFERS-
If you're already in Wing IX:
- Talk to your current CMDR and your new CMDR, and make sure they both approve the transfer.
- Then email me and not the FO
- I will double check all the approvals, and then send the request to Cyric myself
If you're recruiting someone from outside of the Wing (legally of course :P):
- Talk the the pilot, have him send a letter to his new CMDR in Wing IX, then make sure the Wing IX CMDR in the squad he wants to transfer to approves.
- CMDRs should then fwd me a copy of the transfer request.
- I will confirm that all the superiors on both sides approve the transfer.
- I will then send the request to Cyric myself.
-SQUADRON COMMANDERS-
Weekly Squadron Reports (WSRs)
WSEs will be submitted NLT 12.00PM each Thursday by email to the Wing Commander, Your Squadron, and the Wing IX Email List. Also, each report must contain statistics for Total missions flown, and IWATS passed. Late reports with no viable excuse are not acceptable. If this is repeated 2 weeks in a row, a formal reprimand will be publicly given. A third or fourth week with late reports, or no report being made, without reason, will result in a CMDR losing his position.
Monthly Squadron Evaluations (MSEs)
MSEs will be submitted to the Wing Commander at any point in the last 3 days of the month. It should cover activity throughout the whole month, to the previous MSE.
AWOLs / MIAs / Reserve Requests
If you have found a pilot to be AWOL (no contact in 30 days), or MIA (bad email address), or a pilot has requested to go the reserves, you WILL NOT make the database request yourself. Forward the relevant information to the Wing Commander, who will verify the information, and make one last effort to 'save' the pilot before he or she is removed from the wing. This is NOT to take authority away from the CMDRs, but to allow the flags to ensure that a pilot really wants to leave. A good example is a pilot whos pissed off at his CMDR and has requested the reserves, when it's entirely possible the pilot would be happy in another squadron.
Flight Leaders
EVERY Flight Leader position in the Wing will ALWAYS be filled. If your Flight Leader leaves the squadron for whatever reason, you will appoint a new Flight Leader immediately. The Flight Office requires that all three flights have a leader in order for new pilots to be placed in that Squadron. We will not miss any opportunity for new pilots!
Designated XO
Every Squadron will have a designated XO. This person will know what he or she needs to do in the event that you are unable to come online, specifically in the area of filing a report for you. This is now a requirement aboard the Rel, and i expect XO's to fill in as required without prompting from the WC or myself.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
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"I put that toilet into therapy"
~Tucker Max
In service of the Empire,
Colonel Rejili Holthaus
(NHolthaus@Gmail.com) - "Baron de Menari"
WC/COL Rejili Holthaus/Wing IX/ISD Relentless
BS/PCx5/ISMx3/MoI/MoT-1gh/IS-2BR-2SR-1GR/CoL/CoB/LoA/OV-4E [PLDN] {IWATS-AIM-BOT-BX-CBX-CSS-DW-FLA-FW-FZ-GFX-HIST-IBX-ICQ-IIC/1/2/3-JS-LIN-M/1/2-MP-MS-PHP-RT-SM/2/3-SWGB-TLN-TM/1-TT-VBS-WM-WPN-XAM-XTM/1}