The following is a work of fiction, but all clinical material is based very closely on actual cases and events in real life encountered by the author. The disruptions of thought, emotion, and behavior in psychiatric illness have, in certain situations, led to bizarre and even humorous events. Remember that while the stories may be humorous, the people with severe psychiatric illnesses have often suffered significantly. We all have our collection of stories, which are stranger than fiction. Here are some of mine:

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The well-worn TIE Defender snuggled up into its capture cradle in the main bay of the ISD Challenge. The tractor beams pulled the craft in and the automatic locking mechanism clamped down over the top wing with a bang and a hiss. Pumps whirred into action, draining the fuel tanks of propellant, and purging the reserve oxygen canisters. The repair crews assembled on the gantry as the cockpit hatch released and a fog of chilled argon gas was expelled from the safety seals.

Colonel Manitsas hopped out of his craft, the TIE Defender "Kyzikos Crown," and removed his helmet. He took a quick glance back at his ship as he tucked the helmet under his arm and headed off to look for Colonels Kessler and Callista at their new lounge, "Club X."

As he was stepping off the gantry, a waifish woman and a tall man in Typhoon Squadron Flight Suits tried to slide past him toward the launching bay. "Hiya, Captain Vexan, Commander Brandon."

"Welcome back, Colonel," Brandon offered. "How's the weather out there?"

"Nice and quiet. I didn't realize that Typhoon was on patrol at this hour."

"No, they're all back at the cantina," added CPT Vexan. This is just a little working vacation for us as Ship's Doctor and Senior Medical Supervisor. Brandon has organized a CME dinner for the doctors of the Battlegroups on Phare."

Brandon beamed a proud smile, "We've gotten the Bacta cartel to sponsor the meeting at Chez Vee-Ay."

"Get outta here! That's the classiest place on the whole planet. Give me just about fifteen minutes to debrief Major Darklord and I'll be right back to join you guys."

Brandon held up his hand, "Sorry there, Nurse Manitsas. With both of us away, you need to stay to staff sickbay."

"Damn!" Manitsas stomped his foot in disgust, but took a deep breath, realizing that they were right. "Okay, I'll hold the fort here. Just try and see if we can get me in on the next one?"

Vexan smiled. "We've already seen to getting you a little thank you gift. The Bacta Cartel has fully stocked your new Colonel's bar with the finest wine and ale this side of Corusant."

Brandon chimed in. "Yeah, Colonel Callista has already started to unpack the bottles. Just remember that until we return, you are on call and are under orders to stay sober. But once we get back, you'll have the best stocked private bar in the fleet."

"Thanks guys. Have a safe flight to Phare. I'll keep everything running smooth. Tell the cartel thank you for the gift of the beverages."

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Manitsas stepped out of Major Darklord's office and decided to head by sickbay to check on things. The cleaning droids had kept a mirror polish on the floors, and the Challenge had the look of crisp, clean, efficiency. He turned the corner and nearly walked right into a very large stormtrooper. "Excuse me Trooper," he said, and tried to walk around him.

The trooper shifted to stand in front of him and Manitsas started to get nervous.

"Trooper?"

The trooper was silent.

More loudly, "Trooper?"

"You're Mark Hammil."

"Excuse me?"

"From Star Wars, I've seen you. You're Mark Hammil."

"No, I'm not."

"Can I have your autograph?"

"What?!"

"I really liked you in Star Wars. Is Princess Leia REALLY your sister?"

"Listen Trooper, I'm not..."

"You don't want to give me your autograph?"

Manitsas could see that the trooper was starting to get agitated. Being that the trooper was also about a foot taller than him, this was good cause to look for a way out. "You want my autograph?"

"I really liked you in Star Wars. But I didn't like that Alec Guinness put that bucket on your head to fight that flying zapper." The trooper took his blaster and started to swing it around making "Bzzzt" sounds. "I like to SEE what I kill."

Manitsas silently swallowed... hard. The trooper stopped swinging the blaster and stood absolutely silent... staring straight at Manitsas for almost a minute.

"Can I have your autograph?"

Manitsas realized the perfect way out. He took out his flight log and tore a page out of the back. He flattened the page against one of the gleaming black walls and produced a stylus. "What's your name, Trooper?"

"Make it out to Zarg."

Manitsas enunciated every syllable as he wrote. "To... Zarg. May... the Force... be... with... you. Your... biggest... fan," and then with a dramatic flourish, "Mark... Hammil"

"I want smiley faces on the 'i's"

"Now you don't want..."

Trooper Zarg raised his blaster and growled, "SMILELY FACES, HAMMIL!"

With another three flourishes, Manitsas added the biggest smiley faces he had ever seen to the counterfeit autograph. He held out the page in front of Zarg. As Zarg reached up to grasp it, Manitsas let the page go with a dramatic "oops."

Zarg tried to grab the paper as it floated to the floor, and Manitsas made a mad dash back towards pilot country and the Cantina.

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Manitsas stumbled into the Cantina. He glanced back down the hallway he had just sprinted through, and was relieved to see no more Stormtrooper autograph hounds in pursuit. With relief, he moved into the cantina and went looking for Colonel Callista. He did not have to look long.

A good twenty male pilots had circled one of the tables. They all sat hunched over on chairs and stools, mesmerized by the sight of Colonel Callista posing and prancing on top of the table. Her uniform was unbuttoned to her navel, and by all appearances, seemed to be giving a lecture on how to seduce women. The advice was clearly unbalanced, consisting of a loosely strung together method of picking up on "Sex-E.S.P." as she was calling it. She giggled and winked at pilot after pilot, taking dainty sips of her beverage. She seemed to forget her audience once she spied Manitsas. She flashed an unnerving smile and waved him forward. "Join us Colonel! I need you demonstrate on you!" She broke out in a tumbling fit of laughter, spilling her drink.

"Calli, maybe you'd like to get down from there for just a sec." Manitsas hoped he could contain her strange behavior. He had never seen her so hypersexually impulsive, and it was clear to him that something very wrong was going on.

Callista flashed back into her own world and started to gyrate on the table to music that only she could hear. Thinking he had an opening to move in, while Callista appeared distracted, he moved closer hoping to help her down from the table and get her to sickbay. He had no such luck.

Callista snapped back and grabbed Manitsas by the shoulders, her bright-eyed stare making him feel like prey caught in the claws of a hungry predator. "I can figure you out. I'll show you."

Manitsas was confused, and hoped that by encouraging her to elaborate, he might figure out a way to get her to come quietly to sickbay. "Figure me out?"

She brightened immediately, taking his question as a command to go ahead and demonstrate her "Sex-E.S.P."

"I can tell which way ALL of these men go." She spun slowly looking at each pilot, winking, blowing kisses, and batting her eyelashes. She pointed at each one and called out, "Left, left, right, left, right..."

Manitsas interrupted her. "What does right and left mean?"

She bent over in skittish laughter and appeared to blush. She wrapped her arm around Manitsas' back and snuggled in, making Manitsas start to think that he ought to have called for some female stormtroopers to give him some back up, to protect both him AND Callista. "You KNOW! She cupped her hand at waist level and curled her fingers, rocking her palm side to side. "Which one hangs LOWER!"

Diagnosis complete. Callista has gone wacko. It's time to get her into a sickbay bed and assign 24-hour security. The time had come to humor her so he tried to get her to relax. Then he could move her there with a minimum of risk. "That's pretty amazing Calli. How are you able to figure that out?"

It was the wrong tactic. Callista had now determined it was her time to reveal the way her "Sex-E.S.P." worked. It was clear in her mind that to give the most appropriate explanation, complete undress was essential. And so she got started. Off came her jacket. She reached to her waist and started to lower her pants.

Manitsas turned and walked to the wall, thumbing the comlink switch. "Medical alert, Cantina. Code yellow."

The public address system rang with an echoing voice, "Nurse Manitsas, code one. Report to sickbay on the double."

Callista's pants were now gone and she was starting to work on her top.

Manitsas thumbed the comlink switch again. "No, no... the trouble is here in the cantina!"

The communications officer from security linked in. "Yes I know! A code yellow team is already on the way to the cantina, Sir. We have another emergency for you right now in sickbay. It's a bloody mess!"

Manitsas barked as he saw the mesmerized crewmembers starting to huddle around Callista. "AS YOU WERE!" The men jumped away from the scantily dressed Colonel, and Callista frowned in disapproval. "Any man who touches the Colonel without a direct order is going to be keel hauled WITHOUT a space suit!"

A squad of gloved security personnel arrived en masse and gazed slack-jawed at Colonel Callista as she gyrated on the table and waved to them.

"Cover her, restrain her, and tie her down in the sickbay seclusion room." Manitsas turned to the hovering security droid and pointed a finger at the flying automaton. "Keep a watch on Colonel Callista. Full protected medical security mode."

The whirring droid buzzed and beeped in the affirmative, and focused all sensors on Callista as the security team took her into custody.

Manitsas hit the comlink again. "All is secure here, I'm on my way to sickbay." He took off at a brisk clip towards Vexan's sickbay. He could see that the path was clearly laid out with a dense splattering of red blood. His stomach turned as he got to the door of sickbay and took a look inside.

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A security guard's hand held a red cloth to a smiling man's forehead. The man's face and chest were heavily stained with blood, and more was seeping from the compression dressing.

"Thank the maker you're here. I need medical help!"

"That's for sure soldier, what hit you?"

The guards holding onto the man looked knowingly at each other and shook their heads in helplessness.

"Oh, nothing hit me Sir. I'm not injured." Another drop of blood dripped off his eyebrow, now matted and crusted with a mix of both fresh and dried blood.

"I need your help to cut out the tumor. I couldn't get it all out myself. There's just too much of it!"

Another guard spoke up from behind Manitsas, holding up a bloody razor in a sealed transparent bag. "He was using this to cut away parts of his head." Manitsas spun back to get a better look at the covered wound. "He was covered in blood and had worked his way well into the skull after he cleared all the skin off of it. He would have made it all the way to the brain if he hadn't passed out from the loss of blood. He was lucky that we found him when we did."

"What tumor were you trying to get rid of, soldier?"

The man breathed a sigh of relief, obviously waiting to talk to a medical professional who would understand. "It's a cancer Nurse Manitsas. It's deep in there. The Colossus Wing Commander put it there."

"Hold on... how did the Colossus Wing Commander put a cancer in your head?"

"Well he has this phaser that he shoots at me from his Star Destroyer. He points it right at my head and makes this cancer." Manitsas' stomach began to pitch and roll as the man continued to expand upon his delusional system that had cost him a ten centimeter wide patch of skin, fat, fascia, muscle, and blood vessels, as well as a two centimeter crater of bone. "Vexan couldn't even find it. The phaser makes it invisible to med scans."

The humming of an escorting security droid broke the stillness of the moment, as Callista, draped in a white sheet, was escorted by three very careful security guards to the seclusion area; cooing, purring, and giggling.

The transparent door slid down with Callista inside, and she promptly began to flash the bleeding man with her sheet.

"Get another sheet over that door. Let's give the Colonel some privacy."

One of the team unfolded another sheet and draped it over the door.

"And one more thing, get ten more guys with blasters set to stun and bring Stormtrooper Zarg here as soon as you can. Sign an autograph for him if you think it will help."

"Sir?"

"When you find him, you'll understand. Now git!"

Manitsas watched a moment as the team left to gather reinforcements to track down Zarg. He pondered any connection to link the psychotic changes in his shipmates. Callista had been sipping from one of the bottles that Vexan had left in the Colonel's Club. Manitsas remembered that Trooper Zarg was usually assigned to cargo inspection in the main hangar. He looked at the man with the giant hole in the middle of his head. He grabbed a gauze sponge and dipped it in rubbing alcohol, then proceeded to wipe away the layers of dried blood. As the brown-caked clots of blood were removed, Manitsas was able to make out who this man was. He was the bartender for the Colonel's Club that Callista had assigned last week. His shift ended about 3 hours ago.

"Crewman Shaan, Right?"

"Yes, Sir."

"What do you think of the liquor that we received in the Colonels' Club from the Bacta Cartel?"

"High quality stuff, that's for sure. It goes down smooth!" He became thoughtful for a moment. "Do you think I can use some of the other alcohol in the cantina to sterilize my razor to cut out the last of the cancer?"

"No, crewman. I'm shipping you out to the Fleet Hospital on Aurora tomorrow to have them take care of that. We'll start by trying to control the bleeding if that's okay."

"Oh sure. I just wanted that cancer that the Colossus put there taken out. It'll grow back, you know."

-------

Manitsas ignored the rest of the man's comments as he sat at Vexan's desk and activated his comlink to the bridge. "This is Nurse Manitsas calling for the Commodore."

"Corran Force here, Colonel Manitsas."

"Vice Admiral, I believe that we have brought contaminated beverages on board the ship. Vexan and Brandon received a shipment of alcohol from the Bacta Cartel on Phare, and we need to seclude anyone who's been exposed and confiscate all of it.

"What happened?"

"Well, so far I've got a manic and psychotic, hypersexual Colonel; a bartender with somatic delusions and a hole in his head; and a Stormtrooper who thinks that he just got an autograph from Mark Hammil."

"Hmmm, do you think that ties in with Mr. 'Darth Vader' in the waste oil?"

"The waste oil?"

"Yes, security just fished Major Darklord out of the waste oil tank. He keeps saying that since he's really Darth Vader, he had to cover himself with waste oil to look black. I've sent him to the brig where he's being hosed down."

"Yes Sir, I think you'll find that the Major has been sipping from the same shipment of drinks. Once security has cleaned him up, I'd ask him to be transferred to sickbay."

"Will do, Colonel."

Manitsas flicked off the comlink and turned to an orderly. "Crewman, when was your last drink?"

The young man looked startled for a moment, "Uh, I've been on duty all night."

Manitsas grew impatient. "Last drink?"

The man relaxed. "Day before yesterday in the Cantina, 1900 hours."

"Okay, here's my Colonel's Club key. Take that repulsor sled in the back and bring every last bottle of alcohol." He grabbed a pair of orthopedic gloves from a drawer and tossed them to the orderly. "Wear these. Don't even let them touch your skin, and for the Grand Admiral's sake, don't drink any."

The young man grabbed hold of the empty sled and dragged it down the corridor toward the Cantina.

Manitsas pointed at one of the remaining security guards and tossed him a similar pair of gloves and a specimen bag. "Follow him. Wear these, and put one of the bottles into this bag and bring it straight back here."

"Understood Colonel."

The men were gone and Manitsas was left in sickbay with his remaining staff and his patients. He heard a tapping from behind the sheet that covered the seclusion area. A muffled voice called out. "Manny! It's lonely in here!"

Manitsas turned to note that the security droid was hovering inches from his head. "What are you looking at?"

The droid backed off to hover in the corner.

Manitsas pulled on a pair of gloves and motioned the security guard away from Crewman Shaan. The gauze pad was thoroughly soaked, and it stuck as he tried to peel it away from the man's skull. His stomach flip-flopped as he examined the self-inflicted wound. All the tissue had been scrapped away to the bone. His white but messy cranium bore the scratches of the man's razor. The edges of his skin, 12 centimeters apart at the widest, were cut sharply to the bone, but the raggedness of the edges was evident. Steady pressure over the past half-hour had stemmed most of the bleeding, but the bleeding had already restarted. "Clean pad." Manitsas asked calmly. The security guard ripped open a sterile package and Manitsas took it to wipe away the dried blood. As he did, he saw the 2 centimeter crater that the man had chiseled away. Manitsas estimated that he had just a few more millimeters to go before he broke through to the brain. "Another, and bring some betadine." He held the second pad in his palm as the guard squirted a stream of brown antiseptic liquid on it. Manitsas wiped away more of the mess and then dropped the stained pad into the biohazard refuse. The guard has already opened a third package and Manitsas took it and held it firmly in place over the wound.

Crewman Shann smiled meekly. Manitsas smiled back, but was too busy to engage him in more conversation. "Get me a wrap... up there on the shelf.

Manitsas held the brown stained pads in place, and covered them with a few more white dry ones. He then wrapped the bandage around and around the man's head, and slug one bit under his chin and over the top of his head to keep it secure. He finished it off with three metal clips.

"Here's the bottle you asked for." It was the security guard he had sent to the Cantina.

Manitsas discarded his gloves and donned a pair of heavier ones. He took the item and placed it inside the molecular scanner. The scanning alcove slid shut and the computer went to work. The computer spoke in electronic code and the protein sequencer droid digested the complex information, going to work itself. In a few minutes, the driod brought Manitsas a vial of clear liquid.

Manitsas loaded an air-injector gun with the serum and placed it against crewman Shann's neck. With a pop and hiss, the serum penetrated his skin and went to work. Shann slummed over. After a few seconds, he lifted his head, shaking it. "Owww... What the hell happened to my head. It feels like someone drilled a hole in it!"

Manitsas smiled and patted the man on the shoulder. "It's a long story crewman, but just lean back and get some rest for now."

There was a knock at the door. Major Darklord was strapped to a gurney, making raspy breathing sounds. "Luke! I am your father!"

Manitsas held the injector to Darklord's neck and gave him a dose as well. He promptly fell asleep.

Manitsas went to the back room and brought out an old-fashioned dart launcher. He opened a case of six darts and filled each one in turn with a dose of the serum.

"What's that for?" asked the guard.

"Trooper Zarg."

Manitsas was startled by the noise of a scuffle in the hall. Eleven security guards were trying to control Stormtrooper Zarg. Zarg pointed straight at Manitsas. "There he is! There he is! It's Mark Hammil. Somebody get a camera... I want to make a PICTURE with this guy!"

Manitsas closed the firing chamber and aimed directly at Zarg. The guards cleared away. "Incoming!"

The dart launched with a loud THUNK and buried itself into Zarg's chest. The large trooper fell forward onto his face.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay everyone, the show's over. Everybody get out of here."

"What about the Colonel?"

"I'll give her the serum and we can get her dressed. Now everybody OUT."

They all sauntered away. Manitsas was alone with Callista and the security droid.

Manitsas slid another dart into the chamber, and headed for the seclusion room. He pulled away the sheet to reveal Colonel Callista in a very seductive pose. "Come on in Manny, I've got a surprise for you."

Manny slapped his hand against his head, "What the hell am I doing!"

He picked up the dart gun and pointed it straight at the security droid.

THUNK

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<SALUTE>

Respectfully submitted:

CMDR/COL Manitsas/Inferno/Wing X/ISD Challenge [DRAG]
N/LT Manitsas/TC-BG/ISD Challenge
Apprentice (Sith)/Rogue
PCx6/ISMx6/CoL/CoB/LoCx4/MoT-gh/OA-3E {IWATS-IIC/1/2/3-SM/1}