Can You Smell Something?!?!
by CM Brandon

Brandon yawned and collapsed back on his bunk, stretching out as much as his body would physically allow before curling up into a fetal position and closing his eyes.  He'd originally jumped at the chance to be the bartender at the COL's bar on the ISD Challenge, a facility open exclusively to the highest ranking-members of the ship.  He loved it at first; pulling pints for WC Darklord, concocting martinis (shaken not stirred) for Manistas, a nice glass of ice cold milk for the COM and a never-ending stream of cocktails for his CMDR, Calli "This is my last one, honest" Bunny.  Plus, things were a lot quieter since Oldie transferred :P.  All things considered, it was a good job, good pay, free alci and he got to say cool stuff like "The usual?" and "What'll it be, gorgeous?"

However, the past two nights had been pure HELL!!  Every night started off the same, running as smooth as a Twi'lek's ass, but as the night progressed, something...strange...started to happen.  Bran guessed it could be just a one off the first time, the second time he put it down to coincidence...tonight, he started to get worried!!  As he cast aside his worries and drifted into unconsciousness, letting an uneasy sleep fall over him, Brandon feared for his life...and his next shift in the bar.

"Hello my dear little monkey, another of your finest orgasms please"

Branny chuckled as he retrieved the Irish cream from the liquor cabinet.  Calli always loved to make him blush, but she tipped well, so he didn't really mind.  He smiled and hesitated slightly before pouring the strong-smelling, thick liquid over some ice.

"Don't you think you've had enough orgasms for tonight hon" asked the bartender

"Bah, I'm fine...*gulp* jussh gimme 30 little wittle minutes" mumbled his CMDR, winking and stumbling to look for her favourite "hunk" waiter.  Bran didn't have the heart to tell her he was a droid :P

It was nearing 11.30 and the night had gone without real event.  So far, at least.  Darklord had burst a couple of balloons, CoFo had fallen down while giving his drunken karaoke rendition of that damn Vengaboys song he hated and Tally had managed to sneak in and drink 2 bottles of Corellian Whiskey before anyone noticed, before shouting "Ni!" and running away.  Nothing out of the ordinary really!  However, just when Brandon least expected it...IT happened.  His eyes grew wide with fear, his stomach and the nerf-burger he'd eaten earlier slowly turned in his stomach, his intestines growled and moaned like a rancor.  A bitter taste filled his mouth and Bran found himself gasping for air.  Slowly but surely, heads in the cantina started to turn.  All of a sudden, Kess brought a hand up to his nose, pinched it shut and began yelling.

"Sithspawn, what the **** ** ** ***** ****** *** (sorry, CoC's :P) is that infernal STENCH!!!"

It was then that Branny noticed all eyes were on him.  He opened his mouth to speak, took a deep breath...and filled his lungs to capacity with the evil aroma, which was wafting around the room.  Coughing and spluttering, he keeled over on the bar, convinced he was ding (he always seemed to die or get injured on this ship :P)

The perfume a la death was further contributed to by lee emptying his guts onto the floor, further despairing the ill-fated bartender who would prolly be made to clear it up later, knowing his luck.

One by one the occupants dashed for the exit.  CoFo fell over a table, Calli started to whine when the waiter slipped in Lee's vomit and started short-circuiting.  Manitsas raised an eyebrow.  Bran was left alone in the bar, doubled up on the floor.  Fumbling hands reached out and got a shaky hold on a half-empty vodka bottle.  Bringing it to his lips, he drained it in one long measure.

"Uh, I'm gonna need that" muttered the pilot, drawing his lightsaber and knowing what must be done.

Closing his eyes, Brandon the Sith Warrior ignited his lightsaber, drew upon the dark side of the Force.......and chopped his feet off!!

Lying in his Medcorps bed, Bran flexed his funky new artificial feet.

"Groovy, and I can't get verucas or fungus on these things" he asked

"Nope, their just like normal feet...well, they're metal and they'll melt if you step on anything to hot, and they may drop off every now and again, but apart from that..."  DOC Vexan shrugged and continued sipping her root beer.

"That's great Vexie, what can I do to repay you" said a jubilant Brandon

"Ah, no need, anything for a superior officer" she said, saluting

"Great, and...err, Vexie sweetie, lets keep this OUR little secret, ok" he said, giving her the cutest smile he could, batting his eyelids all the while.

Vexie's response was hardly audible as she zipped up her contamination suit and prepared to dispose of the...evidence.

"I feel like sex on the beach tonight my little subordinate...how about you?"

Brandon went a bright shade of red and reached for a beer.

"Now Lee, you know only Calli has the charm and wit to make lines like that work, now take your beer and go see that whore over there"

"Wheeeeeee, where!!!" proclaimed the horny WC, bounding away from the bar.

Bransta continued checking all his drinks and cleaning his glasses when Calli walked (not staggered!!) up to the bar.

"What'll it be, CMDR?  Latin lover?  Long hard screw up against the wall?  Umm, Coke?"

"Nah, not for me, diet" she said off-handedly

Bran dropped the glass he was cleaning and yelped as it dropped on his foot, trying to make a dull laughing noise as it impacted at went 'Clunk'.

"Say, Branny, did you ever find out what that...awful...smell was" she asked suspiciously, looking him straight in the eye.

The flight leader felt his pulse start to race, his temperature increase and...well, you don't need to know about THAT :P

"Errr, eh, yeah, funny that...umm, it was...the overflow tray, yeah, kept forgetting to change the thing that catches all the dregs of beer.  Causes a nasty whiff I can tell ya, sheesh, heh". 

Calli didn't look convinced

"Oh, and Kirch was visiting the other night with some Sov peeps.  They farted!" said Bran very matter-of-fact

Calli nodded and walked away, not hearing the loud sigh of relief from the barman. 

"You get out of some weird situations," he muttered to himself as he turned to clean another glass.

All of a sudden music blared from the speakers in the cantina and CoFo got up on stage to sing Mambo No. 5.  Everyone’s eyes, however, were on Brandon.  He's just started dancing like a madman...or at least the lower half of his body had!!

"Hey, this is how they dance where I come from" he said, shrugging and spinning about the cantina.

Everyone looked at each other, laughed, then looked at Brandon again.  He could feel himself start to sweat, his heart beating faster and faster.  There was only one solution.

"FREE DRINKS FOR EVERYONE"

....and no-one ever commented about strange smells or dancing ever again!

FL/CM Brandon/Typhoon 3-1/Wing X/ISD Challenge