Finished Report

 

Note from Editor: It’s getting close to the release deadline once more for Battlecry. Staff Writer Troutrooper is working some serious overtime, mainly due to the megalomaniac control-freak that is the Editor.

 

“Hi Ed! Here’s the latest front-line article. It appears that VA Jarak is using a new approach to combat the pirates in sector AT-2E6.”

“Thanks, fishie. Hmmmm…this is interesting. Well, let me look it over and I’ll give you your next assignment shortly.” MAJ Troutrooper turned and left CPT Werdna Elbee alone to read the latest Battlegroups report. He made it all the way to the bathroom door at the end of the hall when he heard a familiar yell.

“TROUT!! GET YER ASS IN HERE NOW!!”

Running into his editor’s office to see what was the matter, TT was surprised to find Elbee holding a lighter.

“Sir, that isn’t a regulation lighter. You know pilots aren’t allow— ”

“What kind of a report is this?! You gave me one page of info and three pages of sheer crap! There’s nothing here!!”

“Uhh…there should be mor—“

“There ISN’T more! I want a FULL report on my desk by the end of my shift, or I’m having seafood tonight. Understood?”

“Fully.” TT was in for it: Elbee’s shift ended in one hour, yet getting the rest of the report done was going to take quite a while. He could write it, but it would take TT at least 6 hours. He left the room and started thinking about alternatives: resigning his post, catching a flight to Aurora, defection, even ichythocide was contemplated before the solution popped into his head.

 

“I must say, I’m impressed. I didn’t think you could pull this one off. How did you—wait a sec, this isn’t your handwriting…”

“Oh, look at the time. I need to catch my flight back to the Col—“

“Sit fish. I still may have some fish and chips by the end of the day. How did you finish this report?”

“Well, uh…er…Funny thing happened on the way back from th—“

“You have two minutes.”

“Er…okay. I used a word randomizer to spew words on the page. Miraculously they came out in a coherent order.”

“Wrong.”
“Damn. In that case, I used the Force to summon the pen and ink to write. That’s why the handwriting is a little off.”

“Wrong Again. I give three strikes. I’m also getting hungry…”

“Fine. I used slave labour.”

“Really? Tell me more.”

“I ran around this monster ship, gathered up every SL I could find, and told them that if they wrote a page of my report, I’d give them their choice of an ISM or a promo to LT. Half of them ran away screaming for their CMDRs, another quarter quit the TIE Corps at that moment for no apparent reason, and the last 4 stayed and did my bidding.”

“So what did they chose?”
“Conveniently enough, I can’t promote or award medals to any of them since I’m not their direct superior. I get a report, they get nothing.”

“Nice. From now on, though, you do your own work. Understood?”

“Yup. When is the next deadline? I might need to take a trip to Daedalus for…oh nevermind.”

 

<SALUTE!>