ETA Fiction
by CMDR/MAJ Troutrooper
MAJ Troutrooper
was in a good mood and had been so for quite some time, though no-one was
really sure why. LCM Wap Eal figured it was due to his on-time XO report (TT
was just a little shocked to see a report on his desk BEFORE the due date). CM
Devin McCloud thought it had something to do with TT's promotion to major. Even
VA Ari and MAJ Chei-Ras were puzzled by this strange occurance, so much so that
they called TT into Ari's ready room.
"TT, we've
noticed that you've been...happy recently. As an Imperial officer, you should
know that being happy is frowned upon, unless of course you've just returned
from killing a squadron of A-wings. So tell us, why the smiles?"
"Well, COM
sir, I don't know."
"Don't
know...or don't want to tell us...! If you're hiding something from us, we'll
find out sooner or later. We have ways of making you talk, fishboy!"
"Easy,
Ras, easy. I'm sure the 'major' would have told us anything interesting or
important, as we are his superior officers..."
"That's
right. I would have. But I don't have anything to share. I'm just feeling
good."
Ari slammed his
fist on the table, "Damnit Captain Crustacean!! You are NOT leaving this
room until you give us one good reason why you're so freaking happy!!"
"You want
a reason? Fine. I'm pregnant. Good enough?"
Ari leapt out
of his seat, "Don't get funny with us, Cavier Commander!
Why are you so
happy?!"
TT noticed Ras
fingering his lightsaber. He also noticed Ari's hand moving towards the button
which alerted the stormies that he was in trouble. If Ari hit that button, TT
would be the one in trouble.
"Look, I
don't know why I'm happy. If you give me a couple of days, I'll probably get
over this 'affliction' and lose my smiles. Please, sirs, I beg you. Don't do
anything rash. It's my problem, I can figure something out."
"We'll be
watching you..."
TT left the
room and walked down the hall to the turbolift. Even after that scream session,
he was happy all over. He knew what he had done could have gotten him
court-martialed, but "they'll see. Everyone will. In the end, they will
forget about my joy..." The lift stopped two levels above his, and an
engineer got in the lift.
"Why are
you so happy?" The engineer asked.
"Dunno.
Just am."
"No-one is
'just happy' on this ship. Besides the internal problems, this baby probably
couldn't stand a flight of pigbombers with torps."
"That may
be so, but I'm still happy."
"You're
odder than you look."
"Yeah, and
your mot--" *DING!* "Lucky for you, this is my floor." TT got
off before he sliced the engineer's head off with his saber. It was about 1600
hours, so he had some time before dinner. He decided to check in on his
squadron.
"Hey CMDR!
Still smilin'?"
"You
betcha, doc. How's the needle-pricking today?"
"Okay. LCM
Anthony Starr broke his finger in the simulator and LT
Jorfar Danley
got lost in the waste tanks somehow. You?"
"Happy as
ever! Had a friendly chat with our flaggers a few minutes ago. Nothing
special."
"Cool. Oh,
you got some mail today. I left the package on your desk."
"Score.
See ya at din-din." TT left Nic's office and went back to his own. He had
been waiting for this package for quite some time. Imperial Parcel Service was
more like Infinite Patience Somehow. It was a simple metal square with one
indentation. It only opened when his flipper print was read by the box. TT
flipped it open. Inside, there was a datapad, an astromap, and a remote
control. He grabbed the datapad, which read:
"Congrats,
the box opened. Inside should be this datapad, an astromap, and a remote
control. The instructions are below. The map has the coordinates you specified.
The remote will only work if you are within 2 klicks of the target. Any
questions? Didn't think so. Signed,
Troutrooper".
Now, most
people wouldn't send packages to themselves. However, TT couldn't slip this
stuff past the inspectors, so he had to arrange to have the equipment mailed to
himself at a later date. "Good. Everything is in order. Now, I'll put the
remote in my Rhino and get some food.
I'll need some
energy to pull this one off."
Dinner was
forgettable. Some strange beef-like substance and a soup that still moved. The
menu said "Still-alive Soup". TT didn't eat as much as he wanted to,
cause he was too nervous. But he kept on smiling, much to the chagrin of
everyone around him. He headed back to his office to put the finishing touches
on his plan.
"Sir? Got
a minute?"
"Wha?! Oh,
hi AD. Just let me clean up this desk a little...There, sit.
You caught me
in the middle of my...report. Startled me. What's on your mind?"
"Well,
sir, I know I've only been here for a couple of months, but your recent
behavior has been...odd. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine.
Just happy. How are you?"
"I'm...okay
I guess. I've had some probl--"
"Good to
hear. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish up." TT pushed AD out of
his chair and towards the door.
"But sir!
I just wan--"
"Bye AD!
Come back...No, don't come back. I'm working." TT threw AD into the
hallway and slammed the door. By now, his flippers were tapping. "Too much
nervous energy. I've got to get this done." He sat back down and went to
work.
"Man, TT
is acting psycho. I know he's a fish and all, but he's acting strange for an
alien even."
"Definitely
Tyler. I heard he, Ras, and Ari had a little...how did he put it, 'meeting'.
More like, ass-whoppin' session. I'm surprised Ari didn't hit his Save-Me
button."
"Totally.
Hey AD, why the long face?"
"TT threw
me out of his office! I only asked how he was!"
"Calm
down. As the XO, let me assure you that he is...yeah, he's lost it. I guess
I'll be the A-CMDR in TT's stead. Now, onto tonight's squadron meeting. First
order of busi--Hi TT!"
"I see
you've started without me. Thank you, A-CMDR, soon-to-be ex-XO.
Now we start
the meeting. First, we have new orders: at 1830 hours, ETA squadron is to
maintain a picket defense of the ISD Colossus. All other squadrons will be off
on another assignment. Command does not believe there will be trouble, but we
get the assignment all the same. The COL will hyper out of the area at exactly
1845 hours. Questions?"
"Yeah,
where is the COL going?"
"I do not
have that information, Tyronne, and even if I did, do you think I would tell
you? Okay, I would, but I don't know. Others? No, good. Get to your
ships." As his squadron filed out of the room, TT smiled wider than
before. He was beginning to believe he should have been an actor cause he had
everyone fooled. He followed his squadron out of the room and headed to the
hangar bay. It was 1827 hours and ETA was ready for action. Mu, Pi, and Omicron
had already left, while Iota (with only A-CMDR Steve and LT Nashaa) was
inactive this week. TT got into his TIE Defender "Rhino", fired up
the engines, and lead his squad out into space.
VA Ari was
lounging in his commodore's chair on the bridge. Nothing was going on and the
ship sounded good. He brought up a little game he programmed into the chair's
armrest and started playing. It wasn't anything great, just a computerized
version of what his family called
"Spin the
Driedle".
"Sir?"
"Huh?!"
"You were
mumbling. Something like, '...I made you out of clay...'"
"Oh, it's
nothing, LT. Carry on." Just then, the jump alarm sounded.
"SIR!! The
ship is turning!! It says we are to jump into hyperspace in
15
seconds!!"
"WHAT?!
STOP THIS THING!! FULL REVERSE!!"
"Can't
sir! Computer won't respond!! We've been locked out!!"
"Look! On
screen!!"
A vidclip of
MAJ Troutrooper appeared on the bridge screen. It spoke:
"Hi! I'm
sorry to do this to you, sir, but I've hijacked the ship. Why? Because I'm
happy and I want to share that with the rest of the ship. I became happy when
an informant of mine revealed to me the location of a rebel training facility
not far from here. He said that the base had about 2000 recruits and 500
snubfighters. I wanted to tell you, sir, but I thought that you might enjoy
this surprise attack on the rebels. I bypassed the computer's security systems
and force this jump via remote in case you were wondering. Merry X-Mas, VA Ari
and MAJ
Chei-Ras!
Sincerely, TT."
"His ass
is so mine wh--"
"Oh, forgot.
Hold on!" At that, the ship jumped into hyperspace and stopped after only
10 seconds.
"SIR! I
read 200, no 500 fighters! Most are parked!!"
"SIR! One
PLT, D class, 3 klicks away! There's a lot of activity!!"
"Uhh...sir,
what just happened?"
"I dunno,
Ras, but if you want some easy kills, get into you ship.
C'mon, I need
some kills. Tactical, you have the com. I'll be in my fighter." Ari led
Ras to the hangar bay and both jumped into their fighters.
"WHOA!!
Look at all the fighters! And they're not even moving!"
"Cut the
chatter, boys. Just find a fighter and kill. Hope everyone is ready for some
action."
"Mu
incoming! Pi and Omi are, too!"
"Thanks,
XO. Good, the gang's all here. Oh, and look! Steve, Nashaa,
Ras, and even
Ari himself are joining in the fun."
--ALL IMPERIAL
PILOTS: PRIMARY GOALS ARE TO DESTROY THE PLATFORM AND
KILL AS MANY
REBEL FIGHTERS AS POSSIBLE. SECONDARY GOALS ARE TO WHOOP
TT'S ASS WHEN
WE GET BACK TO THE CANTINA. OVER--
"You heard
the man! Let's get to work!"
Later that day,
after the platform and every rebel in the area was dead, TT was summoned to
Ari's ready room. "Two times in one day. Must be a record."
"No. You
were once in here four times in one day. Remember?"
"Unfortunately..."
"Anyway, I
am here to court-martial you for treason, theft of Imperial property, lying to
a superior officer, impersonation of someone intelligent, and gross misconduct.
All charges are hereby thrown out."
"That was
quick."
"Yeah
well, I didn't have the heart to prosecute you since you did lead us to a rebel
installation. Plus, I got rid of my frustrations on those 6 rebs. Damn, I
haven't flown in years."
"And it
showed. Only 6? Bah, I picked up 6 in 10 minutes."
"Careful
you."
"Sorry,
couldn't help myself. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your gift.
Don't expect
anything near that cool next year, though."
"Trust me,
I won't."
FL/LCM Wap Eal
A pilot named
Wap Eal once crash landed on the Earth, His tie fighter was a right off. He had
to get in contact with his ship, the COLOSSUS asp but the only way was through
an internet connection. He was in the country of Germany and went then to the
next Telekom outlet to order a modem for an internet connection. NO PROBLEM,
said the salesman and gave him one there and then in the outlet. Wap then
contacted the Colossus and was sent a rescue ship.
FM/LCM Nic Rety:
After a long
feast on Christmas day LCM Nic Rety had a bad hangover from double
dropdowns. He stumbled into his
quarters which turned out wasn't really his, they were a certain female
officers who he didn't know. When he
woke up with this woman on his chest he was shocked, he didn't remember going
to bed with his wife. Suddenly a whole
bunch of stormies stormed the room. Nic
screamed and pulled out his illegally made assassin lightsaber. He pulled the saber and screamed an ancient
bakuran war cry. The stormies covered
their ears, they couldn't bear it it was so shrill and left. Rety started running through the halls in
his boxers. All of the other officers
were staring at him and he knew it. All
of a sudden he ran into a very, very drunk Chei-Ras who said "Let it all
show" and took down his boxers. Nic ran as fast as he could back to his
quarters where his wife was still sleeping.
She woke up and didn't know anything happened. Merry Christmas!