ETA Fiction

 

by CMDR/MAJ Troutrooper

 

MAJ Troutrooper was in a good mood and had been so for quite some time, though no-one was really sure why. LCM Wap Eal figured it was due to his on-time XO report (TT was just a little shocked to see a report on his desk BEFORE the due date). CM Devin McCloud thought it had something to do with TT's promotion to major. Even VA Ari and MAJ Chei-Ras were puzzled by this strange occurance, so much so that they called TT into Ari's ready room.

"TT, we've noticed that you've been...happy recently. As an Imperial officer, you should know that being happy is frowned upon, unless of course you've just returned from killing a squadron of A-wings. So tell us, why the smiles?"

"Well, COM sir, I don't know."

"Don't know...or don't want to tell us...! If you're hiding something from us, we'll find out sooner or later. We have ways of making you talk, fishboy!"

"Easy, Ras, easy. I'm sure the 'major' would have told us anything interesting or important, as we are his superior officers..."

"That's right. I would have. But I don't have anything to share. I'm just feeling good."

Ari slammed his fist on the table, "Damnit Captain Crustacean!! You are NOT leaving this room until you give us one good reason why you're so freaking happy!!"

"You want a reason? Fine. I'm pregnant. Good enough?"

Ari leapt out of his seat, "Don't get funny with us, Cavier Commander!

Why are you so happy?!"

TT noticed Ras fingering his lightsaber. He also noticed Ari's hand moving towards the button which alerted the stormies that he was in trouble. If Ari hit that button, TT would be the one in trouble.

"Look, I don't know why I'm happy. If you give me a couple of days, I'll probably get over this 'affliction' and lose my smiles. Please, sirs, I beg you. Don't do anything rash. It's my problem, I can figure something out."

"We'll be watching you..."

 

TT left the room and walked down the hall to the turbolift. Even after that scream session, he was happy all over. He knew what he had done could have gotten him court-martialed, but "they'll see. Everyone will. In the end, they will forget about my joy..." The lift stopped two levels above his, and an engineer got in the lift.

"Why are you so happy?" The engineer asked.

"Dunno. Just am."

"No-one is 'just happy' on this ship. Besides the internal problems, this baby probably couldn't stand a flight of pigbombers with torps."

"That may be so, but I'm still happy."

"You're odder than you look."

"Yeah, and your mot--" *DING!* "Lucky for you, this is my floor." TT got off before he sliced the engineer's head off with his saber. It was about 1600 hours, so he had some time before dinner. He decided to check in on his squadron.

"Hey CMDR! Still smilin'?"

"You betcha, doc. How's the needle-pricking today?"

"Okay. LCM Anthony Starr broke his finger in the simulator and LT

Jorfar Danley got lost in the waste tanks somehow. You?"

"Happy as ever! Had a friendly chat with our flaggers a few minutes ago. Nothing special."

"Cool. Oh, you got some mail today. I left the package on your desk."

"Score. See ya at din-din." TT left Nic's office and went back to his own. He had been waiting for this package for quite some time. Imperial Parcel Service was more like Infinite Patience Somehow. It was a simple metal square with one indentation. It only opened when his flipper print was read by the box. TT flipped it open. Inside, there was a datapad, an astromap, and a remote control. He grabbed the datapad, which read:

"Congrats, the box opened. Inside should be this datapad, an astromap, and a remote control. The instructions are below. The map has the coordinates you specified. The remote will only work if you are within 2 klicks of the target. Any questions? Didn't think so. Signed,

Troutrooper".

Now, most people wouldn't send packages to themselves. However, TT couldn't slip this stuff past the inspectors, so he had to arrange to have the equipment mailed to himself at a later date. "Good. Everything is in order. Now, I'll put the remote in my Rhino and get some food.

I'll need some energy to pull this one off."

 

Dinner was forgettable. Some strange beef-like substance and a soup that still moved. The menu said "Still-alive Soup". TT didn't eat as much as he wanted to, cause he was too nervous. But he kept on smiling, much to the chagrin of everyone around him. He headed back to his office to put the finishing touches on his plan.

"Sir? Got a minute?"

"Wha?! Oh, hi AD. Just let me clean up this desk a little...There, sit.

You caught me in the middle of my...report. Startled me. What's on your mind?"

"Well, sir, I know I've only been here for a couple of months, but your recent behavior has been...odd. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just happy. How are you?"

"I'm...okay I guess. I've had some probl--"

"Good to hear. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish up." TT pushed AD out of his chair and towards the door.

"But sir! I just wan--"

"Bye AD! Come back...No, don't come back. I'm working." TT threw AD into the hallway and slammed the door. By now, his flippers were tapping. "Too much nervous energy. I've got to get this done." He sat back down and went to work.

 

"Man, TT is acting psycho. I know he's a fish and all, but he's acting strange for an alien even."

"Definitely Tyler. I heard he, Ras, and Ari had a little...how did he put it, 'meeting'. More like, ass-whoppin' session. I'm surprised Ari didn't hit his Save-Me button."

"Totally. Hey AD, why the long face?"

"TT threw me out of his office! I only asked how he was!"

"Calm down. As the XO, let me assure you that he is...yeah, he's lost it. I guess I'll be the A-CMDR in TT's stead. Now, onto tonight's squadron meeting. First order of busi--Hi TT!"

"I see you've started without me. Thank you, A-CMDR, soon-to-be ex-XO.

Now we start the meeting. First, we have new orders: at 1830 hours, ETA squadron is to maintain a picket defense of the ISD Colossus. All other squadrons will be off on another assignment. Command does not believe there will be trouble, but we get the assignment all the same. The COL will hyper out of the area at exactly 1845 hours. Questions?"

"Yeah, where is the COL going?"

"I do not have that information, Tyronne, and even if I did, do you think I would tell you? Okay, I would, but I don't know. Others? No, good. Get to your ships." As his squadron filed out of the room, TT smiled wider than before. He was beginning to believe he should have been an actor cause he had everyone fooled. He followed his squadron out of the room and headed to the hangar bay. It was 1827 hours and ETA was ready for action. Mu, Pi, and Omicron had already left, while Iota (with only A-CMDR Steve and LT Nashaa) was inactive this week. TT got into his TIE Defender "Rhino", fired up the engines, and lead his squad out into space.

 

VA Ari was lounging in his commodore's chair on the bridge. Nothing was going on and the ship sounded good. He brought up a little game he programmed into the chair's armrest and started playing. It wasn't anything great, just a computerized version of what his family called

"Spin the Driedle".

"Sir?"

"Huh?!"

"You were mumbling. Something like, '...I made you out of clay...'"

"Oh, it's nothing, LT. Carry on." Just then, the jump alarm sounded.

"SIR!! The ship is turning!! It says we are to jump into hyperspace in

15 seconds!!"

"WHAT?! STOP THIS THING!! FULL REVERSE!!"

"Can't sir! Computer won't respond!! We've been locked out!!"

"Look! On screen!!"

A vidclip of MAJ Troutrooper appeared on the bridge screen. It spoke:

"Hi! I'm sorry to do this to you, sir, but I've hijacked the ship. Why? Because I'm happy and I want to share that with the rest of the ship. I became happy when an informant of mine revealed to me the location of a rebel training facility not far from here. He said that the base had about 2000 recruits and 500 snubfighters. I wanted to tell you, sir, but I thought that you might enjoy this surprise attack on the rebels. I bypassed the computer's security systems and force this jump via remote in case you were wondering. Merry X-Mas, VA Ari and MAJ

Chei-Ras! Sincerely, TT."

"His ass is so mine wh--"

"Oh, forgot. Hold on!" At that, the ship jumped into hyperspace and stopped after only 10 seconds.

"SIR! I read 200, no 500 fighters! Most are parked!!"

"SIR! One PLT, D class, 3 klicks away! There's a lot of activity!!"

"Uhh...sir, what just happened?"

"I dunno, Ras, but if you want some easy kills, get into you ship.

C'mon, I need some kills. Tactical, you have the com. I'll be in my fighter." Ari led Ras to the hangar bay and both jumped into their fighters.

 

"WHOA!! Look at all the fighters! And they're not even moving!"

"Cut the chatter, boys. Just find a fighter and kill. Hope everyone is ready for some action."

"Mu incoming! Pi and Omi are, too!"

"Thanks, XO. Good, the gang's all here. Oh, and look! Steve, Nashaa,

Ras, and even Ari himself are joining in the fun."

--ALL IMPERIAL PILOTS: PRIMARY GOALS ARE TO DESTROY THE PLATFORM AND

KILL AS MANY REBEL FIGHTERS AS POSSIBLE. SECONDARY GOALS ARE TO WHOOP

TT'S ASS WHEN WE GET BACK TO THE CANTINA. OVER--

"You heard the man! Let's get to work!"

 

Later that day, after the platform and every rebel in the area was dead, TT was summoned to Ari's ready room. "Two times in one day. Must be a record."

"No. You were once in here four times in one day. Remember?"

"Unfortunately..."

"Anyway, I am here to court-martial you for treason, theft of Imperial property, lying to a superior officer, impersonation of someone intelligent, and gross misconduct. All charges are hereby thrown out."

"That was quick."

"Yeah well, I didn't have the heart to prosecute you since you did lead us to a rebel installation. Plus, I got rid of my frustrations on those 6 rebs. Damn, I haven't flown in years."

"And it showed. Only 6? Bah, I picked up 6 in 10 minutes."

"Careful you."

"Sorry, couldn't help myself. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your gift.

Don't expect anything near that cool next year, though."

"Trust me, I won't."

 

FL/LCM Wap Eal

 

A pilot named Wap Eal once crash landed on the Earth, His tie fighter was a right off. He had to get in contact with his ship, the COLOSSUS asp but the only way was through an internet connection. He was in the country of Germany and went then to the next Telekom outlet to order a modem for an internet connection. NO PROBLEM, said the salesman and gave him one there and then in the outlet. Wap then contacted the Colossus and was sent a rescue ship.

 

FM/LCM Nic Rety:

 

After a long feast on Christmas day LCM Nic Rety had a bad hangover from double dropdowns.  He stumbled into his quarters which turned out wasn't really his, they were a certain female officers who he didn't know.  When he woke up with this woman on his chest he was shocked, he didn't remember going to bed with his wife.  Suddenly a whole bunch of stormies stormed the room.  Nic screamed and pulled out his illegally made assassin lightsaber.  He pulled the saber and screamed an ancient bakuran war cry.  The stormies covered their ears, they couldn't bear it it was so shrill and left.  Rety started running through the halls in his boxers.  All of the other officers were staring at him and he knew it.  All of a sudden he ran into a very, very drunk Chei-Ras who said "Let it all show" and took down his boxers. Nic ran as fast as he could back to his quarters where his wife was still sleeping.  She woke up and didn't know anything happened.  Merry Christmas!