MAJ Manners Guide to Imperial Etiquette
In between the many legitimate requests for etiquette help I receive, such as "What wine do I serve with Dia Noga" (Doesn’t really matter, your guests should be well pickled BEFORE you attempt to serve this mess to them) or "How does one address the Fleet Commanders wife?" (Very, very cautiously) many of you have written to ask me the basic manners requirements for conversing with Rebels.
I would have THOUGHT your mothers or your military pre-school drill sergeants would have instructed you in this. In any case, MAJ Manners is here, ready to leap into the gap left by uncivilized caregivers! The most common questions are answered below.
Dear MAJ Manners,
I am involved in a delicate diplomatic maneuver which requires that I e-mail several Rebel officers. :P
But I don’t know what the Rebel rank/position abbreviations stand for. In fact, I have no clue at all what MOST of their ranks ARE! The anarchists insist on going by first names and nicks with no ranks on them. So how can I write my e-mails without looking like a total geek? There’s gotta be a better way to start them off than "Hey You..."
SL Clueless on the Grey Wolf
Dear SL Clueless,
Once again, etiquette and tradition come to the rescue! There is a wonderful, time-tested salutation specifically created to deal with this messy sort of situation. I’m amazed you’ve forgotten it.
Your diplomatic letters should begin with the following traditional greeting: "You Rebel Scum!" It’s as simple as that. As to addressing the Rebs by their names and ranks, as if they were respectable Imperial citizens, that sort of creative condescension leads to all sorts of trouble! Give those Ewok-lovers an inch and they’ll take a parsec.
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
Dear MAJ Manners,
I like to fly against the Rebs at the Outer Rim, and am used to dealing with their insults with the traditional Imperial sneer and counter-insult. But lately, something has been happening that’s really been throwing me off my stride.
You see, there’s this wide-eyed farm boy who, instead of making cheap insults, shakes my hand, smiles, and says "May the best pilot win" or "May the Force be with you" or somesuch rubbish.
How do I deal with this bizarre behavior?
Spooked in the ASF
Dear Spooked,
Ah, yes, Rebel psychological warfare! It’s always an ugly thing, and is best met on its own grounds.
Next time that young man shakes your hand and says "Be careful out there, friend", smile warmly, look into his eyes, and say in the kindliest voice you can manage, "You’re toast, you Rebel Banthaflop" or "In forty seconds you’ll be nothing but a greasespot on the cosmic wall," or "Are you as good as your grandmother was last night?"
I assure you that when the Rebel’s insidious words are countered in this way, he will quickly drop the attempt at psyching you out and return to the natural surly sulkiness of the true Rebel.
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
Dear MAJ Manners,
Last night I was in #TIE_Corps, when a rebel turned up and tried recruiting us!!!! When we told him to go to Hoth, he got all abusive and insulting. I didn’t know what to do! Do you know of any snappy comeback which might have got rid of the pest?
Upset on the SOV
Dear Upset,
What, weren’t you armed?
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
Dear MAJ Manners,
I’m new around here, and I was wondering if you could give me any tips on dealing with the subversive forces and bad influences I’ve been finding all around me.
Ready to Kill on Daedalus
Dear Ready to Kill,
Your name says it all!
When dealing with the subversive forces and bad influences that bother our honorable cadets, the best response is an insult and a quick application of a blaster bolt to the area of irritation, heh, heh.
Uh, wait a sec. We ARE talking about Rebel recruiters, here, aren’t we? Not the staff at Daedalus? CRUD!!!!
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
Dear MAJ Manners,
I was in a dangerous position a few years back when I was stranded on an uninhabited planet with some Rebels, and the only way we could save ourselves was to co-operate with one another.
Well, we got off the planet, and I thought that was the end of it. But no, every blasted Christmas, birthday and Life Day, those blasted Rebs keep sending me presents and family newsletters and home-made cookies! Arrrgh! How can I get this to stop?!
Humiliated on the Challenge
Dear Humiliated,
Too late now! What you are traditionally supposed to do in these instances when co-operation with the enemy becomes necessary, is to work together until you don’t need them any more, then blow them away and escape by yourself.
Of course, the disadvantage of this tactic is that it always seems to backfire, leaving you dead or marooned. (But with Imperial honor intact!)
The only feasable response at this late date is to give the presents to your Squadron Commander, the newsletters to Intelligence, and the cookies to me. And send the Rebels letter bombs by return mail.
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
P.S. Chocolate chip?
Dear MAJ Manners,
I feel so guilty. I was out of uniform, on leave on PLT Paradise in the Ggreegle system, when a couple of Rebel Pilots stopped me and asked me directions to the bathroom.
I told them to turn left at the pool, go down the access hall, and go through the blue door on the right. This, of course, would have sent them right into the reactor core! I never saw them again.
Was this wrong?
Ashamed on the Relentless
Dear Ashamed,
Of COURSE it was wrong!!!! You don’t really need ME to tell you that, do you? I hope massive therapy will help you to get over your guilt. Some day.
For the future, remember--foreign matter in the reactor core can trigger a deadly explosion! Send ‘em to the airlock next time.
Sincerely,
MAJ Manners
Dear MAJ Manners,
It is with great pleasure that I see that an Imperial Etiquette column is now in print. I hope you will succeed in civilizing those loathesome bucketheads to the point where they are fit to associate with us, the peace-loving, honorable citizens of the New Republic. May the Force be with you in your endeavor!
Yours in peace,
Major Wookiehugger
Dear Major Wookiehugger,
BRRRZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPP!!!!!!!!!! Heh, heh, heh. Love my job. (Blows across flash suppressor of blaster to cool it .)
Till next time,
MAJ Manners
SD-FM/LT Calzeo Inkwolf/Psi 3-4/Wing II/SSSD Sovereign