What goes around...

In case you've been under a rock during the '97 holiday season, the big gift item of the season wasn't Tickle Me Elmo or Eat With Me Ernie or even Burp Me Bert. Star Wars collectibles were the runaway hit of the season. Everything from, that annoying little droid, R2-D2 right up to the Death Star. I know this because I dropped down many a hard earned dollar to contribute to George Lucas’ retirement fund this year as I have a three year old who absolutely love Star Wars. Yes. Veelon did spawn. And I don’t want to hear any cracks about it. As I stated earlier, he’s three and at first would call it "Robots" because that’s what hooks him. The "Robots".

So, good ol’ Ma & Pa Veelon schlep down to the local Toys R Us to fight the hoards of sick maniacal rampaging lunatics (who obviously love their ankle biter as much as I to put up with this) and buy up every piece of Star Wars paraphernalia they could lay their hot little hands on. After all… I had Star Wars stuff when I was a kid and look how good I turned out. Yeah, right. A twenty eight year old man, father of two, Star Wars addict. But I digress.

One of the more interesting and somewhat puzzling toys was the Micro Machines Death Star. Right away it makes you think; "What kind of a sick twist wants to make the Death Star really small?" I know, gentle reader, you’re thinking; "Must be Rebels!!" That’s what I thought at first, then I looked closer. This thing is about the size of a cantelope. It turns from the Death Star to the Dantooine (or some other desolate dust bowl) landscape. This is accomplished with great engineering skill as it has about 40 hinges with which it uses to transform from one toy to another. Right there is proof enough for me that no Rebel or Rebel advocate could possibly have the brains to put something like this together, let alone design it. But the final piece of hard evidence that brought this question into the light was the stickers and decals. There were fifty of them. Each one was no larger than the tip of my little finger. And those were the big ones. These decals were to be placed in various locations throughout the inside "landscape" of the Death Star It came with a lovely diagram, showing where these decals were to be placed, on a sheet of paper so small and so thin that the words from the other side could be read without turning the page.

Only one that loves to control, dominate, torture, and taunt could come up with such a diabolical creation such as this Death Star. In my opinion it is more ominous than the First two Death Stars. I can think of only two types of people capable of such malice. A Loyal Imperialist or a Dark Jedi.

Needless to say , after a short stay in rest facility, I returned to my family to ponder the plethora of plastic that now resides in my home.(say that ten times fast) The remaining toys led me to think about my childhood. I had this one, and this one but hey… mine never did this. Some toys were recycled

from 1978. Case in point was the pathetic little light saber. It was the same design as I had in when I was a kid, except this was a little cooler. Instead of being one long piece of plastic with a flashlight at the bottom, this one was telescopic that extends to it’s full length when you thrash. That was the $20 light saber. But for $40, we got the really cool one(well we actually got two, what’s the fun in one guy with a light saber?). Not only does this one extend and light up (colored mind you), but it also makes the patented light saber sound. So now, I get the crappy one, and my boys get the more authentic sabers.

So when you think of me, just think of a 10 year old with a lighted plastic sword going "vvvrrrrrrrvvvv vrrruuuuuuuvvvvv kkkkssssscckkk". Only a little older and trying not to spit quiet so much when he makes that light saber sound.